Credit crunch-y Cauliflower Grills at Farmfoods

And so, it has come to this: yesterday I did some shopping at Farmfoods.

Farmfoods, ‘the frozen food specialist’ (if was marketing this brand, I’d add the words ‘…that isn’t Iceland’ just to clear up any confusion) is remarkable in several ways. Firstly, by virtue of the fact that very, very little on sale at Farmfoods has ever been near a farm (*disclaimer: this may, or may not be true), secondly because it offers customers a chance to experience Eastern bloc shopping in Eastern England and thirdly because, blast me boy, it’s super fucking cheap.

Not only did I get three bottles of Diet Pepsi (which I use in the same way that heroin addicts take methadone if the Real Thing isn’t on offer) for £1, I also got nine Penguin bars for 49p. I simply don’t know how they do it. Once the Pepsi and Penguins were in the basket, I was up and running. My basket ranneth over with frozen goods – a few pizzas, some bacon, a bag of chips, some Mars ice creams and some Cauliflower Grills. The latter, I always think, look like something scraped up off the floor outside a nightclub and hastily coated in breadcrumbs. I can say this, because I don’t eat them – I save that treat for my beloved family.

By the time I’d staggered round the shop, I’d amassed around £19 of Farmfoods’ finest and was safe in the knowledge that my family would not want for beige, breaded goods or heavily-salted ready meals for several days. This is, presumably, why so many people on low incomes can afford to stay so impressively large, like Jim from The Royle Family.

I put my Farmfoods shopping into a Waitrose Bag for Life and skulked out, keeping my body close to the wall in case I was spotted. I felt like a vicar wearing suspenders under his trousers (that’s a simile, not a mission statement).

•    Note to self. Do not buy frozen bacon again. Once cooked it resembles doll’s house rations and there will be a persistent layer of sinister white scum coating the frying pan. Another glorious vindication of my vegetarianism.


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