new year’s eve sucks the big one

Oh how I hate New Year Eve. Partying by rote, enforced merriment, queues of up to six hours at any given bar – it’s like Christmas, but without magic, presents, a nice meal or good TV.

There are two ways to look at New Year. One is to think of it as a time full of promise, when you can realise your dreams and plan for the future. The other is to use it as a springboard for further misery when you realise just how little you have achieved in the past 12 months and that, on top of everything else, you’re celebrating entering the very worst month of the year, January. January, as everyone knows, is God’s revenge for Christmas, a month made up of endless Mondays. Everything is bleak – the weather, your finances, your mood – and the biggest event you’ve got to look forward to is Pancake Day. Frankly, when you’re counting down the days to a batter-based festival, things are pretty bad.

As newspapers roll out their reviews of 2008 and predictions for 2009, in the spirit of reflection, I offer you the highs and lows of the past year. Low-heavy, as usual:

Things I did not do in 2008:

1)    Write an internationally-acclaimed sitcom
2)    Write an internationally-acclaimed book
3)    Get to grips with the rubbish in the loft
4)    Get to grips with either the front or back garden
5)    Hoover my car on a weekly basis
6)    Write in my son’s school contact book every day
7)    Write in my daughter’s school contact book every day
8)    Get one of those police checks so I can occasionally swan into school on trip days like ‘proper mums’ do
9)    Come to any form of amicable agreement with my neighbours over a wall issue
10)    Lose my excess weight
11)    Kiss goodbye to my many, expensive, unhealthy and unhelpful vices
12)    Curb my charity shop and eBay habits
13)    Stop collecting plates from the 1950s – I would now need to have 278 people to dinner to justify their existence
14)    Managed to persuade my children to put their dirty washing in the linen basket
15)    Stop feeling bitter about my lot
16)    Find a toilet seat that actually fits the toilet

What I did do in 2008:

1)    Won a writing award
2)    At least started trying to solve the neighbour issue
3)    Almost wrote off my car
4)    Dropped my mobile phone in flood water
5)    Dropped another mobile phone in the playground and smashed the screen
6)    Wrote a script with a BBC3 comedian which I still haven’t sent off (or really finished)
7)    Went from Waitrose to Farmfoods in one easy step

Surely, SURELY, 2009 will be better. My horoscope in the Observer says that I’ll have to work hard to persuade people in authority to listen to my ideas over the next 12 months. It said nothing about having to offer sailors saucy cuddles for pennies to make ends meet, though, so there is some hope.


2 Responses to “new year’s eve sucks the big one”

  1. 1 Zosimus the Heathen
    January 21, 2009 at 11:23 am

    Womaninblack, I like the way you think! For several years, I did the whole NYE thing, just to see what all the fuss was about, only to give it all up when I realized I was only going out because I felt I had to, not because I actually wanted to. The worst things about it for me were catching the bus into the city, and finding it was already packed with idiotic revellers when it got to my stop (one of the first ones it stopped at); and seeing everyone start hugging and kissing at the stroke of midnight. WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT?! “You fools!” I always longed to scream when I saw such nauseating displays of mass public affection. “What makes you think the new year is going to be any less miserable than the one just past?!” Now, though, I’ve learnt from my mistakes, and realized that the only proper way to welcome in the new year is to stay home and get drunk, ALONE. Preferably while watching crap movies on DVD (or listening to depressing Scandinavian black metal), and reflecting that you’re another year closer to death.

    January is the worst month of the year, eh? I never knew that. Then again, it’s summer at that time of year where I live, although I suppose that shouldn’t make much of a difference, what with all those endless days of sweltering heat that make you feel as though you’re living in the most desolate corner of Chad or some other, equally inviting, Third World shithole.

  2. 2 Dee
    April 11, 2009 at 7:05 am

    Hi WIB,

    I really fell in love with your blog when I first read it about a month ago – enough to bookmark it, read every update, and today to dig up a more than three month old blog. Just so, from your list of achievements and non-achievements of 2008, I’d like to point out a few things which might make you feel brighter (though I know these look-at-the-bright-side thingies never really cheer anyone up – even so)

    1. You have a house with a front and a back garden. Good going!
    2. You have a car (in our country its still a sign of relative prosperity)
    3. You are a published writer – I’d kill to be there.
    4. You are at a position to contemplate writing a sitcom or a book.
    5. You have two lively li’l kids.
    6. You have enough to eat (ok, this one was preachy – I’ll make up by saying I’m on the heavier side myself)
    7. You have enough money to indulge in expensive, unhealthy and unhelpful vices, go charity shopping and eBaying, collect enough antique plates to feed 278 people, and I’m guessing have a washing machine, worry about toilet seats and buy two new mobile phones in a year.

    Not a bad score, lady.

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