Five new reality shows – including Celebrity Dances with Wolves on Ice and Maverick Cop Idol

Frustrated at the fact I have to wait a full six days until the next celebrity-infused reality show begins (Dancing on Ice, ITV, Sunday, 7pm), I have pitched the following ideas to ITV, Channel Four and Channel Five. I still feel disappointed and let down by the BBC after the Blue Peter kitten-naming scandal and therefore am denying the corporation the opportunity to jump aboard this lucrative bandwagon – if that doesn’t hit them where it hurts, I’m not sure what will.

It goes without saying that all of the below ideas MUST be accompanied by the Sugababes’ ‘Here Come the Girls’ AT ALL POINTS when female contestants are introduced. You know, like in every other reality show in the UK at the moment.

ITV1, 8pm: I’m a Celebrity….Pointlessly Teach Me to Do Something Else.

A group of celebrities become even more famous for learning to do the kind of mundane hollow-skulled crap everyone else has been doing for years. Not only are their lives better than yours, now they’re able to do your job better than you and while looking far more attractive than you do. A helpline number flashes up at the end of each edition in case you need to be talked out of a self-harming session in the bathroom with a Doctor Who ruler when you realise how pointless your life is.

ITV2, 6.30pm: Maverick Cop Idol.

Members of the public join a police line-up to become the star of a gritty new Carlton Food Network drama about a pub chef who becomes a maverick cop after something traumatic happens to him involving a spatula and some oyster mushrooms. Candidates should (a) be brilliant but flawed geniuses (b) have a drink problem (c) live alone somewhere quirky, like a windmill or a sewage tank and (d) have a secret sorrow, preferably a dead wife or child.

Channel 4, 8pm: You’re a Fat Pig – Let’s All Sneer at You.
Lots of fat people are herded into a windowless room full of cakes and sausage rolls and then forced to roll in them while thin people watch them through a two-way mirror, pointing and laughing at them.

ITV3, 6.45pm: Celebrity Dances With Wolves On Ice.
Presenters Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby pit man against beast in this light-hearted skate-to-the-death. Celebrities will don ice skates and suits made of bacon and take their turns to face a pack of wolves on the rink. The live grand final sees the two remaining celebrities, or two celebrities’ remains, compete for the first slot on the nearest surgeon’s operating table.

Channel Five, 9pm: Celebrity Conjoined Twins.
Six stars agree to be spliced into a member of the public who will hilariously turn out to be the chalk to their cheese; Gillian McKeith will be sewn into the body of a morbidly obese teenager, Su Pollard will be grafted on to an agoraphobic chronic depressive and Keith Harris will be attached to Orville if the budget gets tight. Stars will be forced to share their lives, homes and major organs with a stranger for six weeks, after which time the public will text in to decide which sibling should die under the knife to save their twin.

I will let you know the outcome. I have high hopes this time round, although personally, I’d have commissioned my last idea: Celebrity Traffic Island.


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