23
Jan
09

A talking vibrator – every shade of wrong in the sex toy rainbow

One Valentine’s Day, a friend of mine was given a ‘Talk To Me’ vibrator by a paramour keen to demonstrate his sexual liberation. As all ladies are aware, nothing says: “I love you” like being palmed off with a piece of plastic and then being expected to go away and make it work ourselves. You might as well just give us a dustpan and brush or a washing up brush and be done with it.

The vibrator had a heart-shaped controller with record and play facilities meaning it could be pre-programmed with a message that would play at seminal (so the wrong word) moments to “heighten the excitement”. Or cause you to make an ultimately very shaming phone call to the police, one of the two.

For those without any imagination whatsoever, the vibrator’s manufacturers made the following suggestions for appropriate phrases you could record for your loved one, such as “I love you baby” or “ooh honey, you look so hot”.

More terrifying than childbirth

More terrifying than childbirth

However, as figures reveal that most women buy their own vibrators, there’s more than an outside possibility that the only voice you could persuade to leave racy messages on a sex toy is your own, and when I last checked, leaving yourself dirty voicemail was as socially acceptable as wearing a hollowed-out baby seal as a hat.

I suppose, though, that for authenticity’s sake, you could record yourself saying out loud the things you might be thinking if you were with a flesh and blood partner: “have you put the bins out?” or “did I remember to tell you that your mother called? She’s checked herself into rehab again”.

Or maybe you could record your favourite celebrity from the television. Noel Edmonds on Deal or No Deal, perhaps (cockney rhyming slang joke: “It’s the banker!”) or maybe the music from CrimeWatch to perk yourself up a bit.

You could try and teach yourself a foreign language. Or remind yourself to pick up the dry cleaning – we women are adept at multi-tasking, I see no reason why we can’t make our orgasms really WORK for us.

By the way, the message left for my friend (and yes, it was a friend. Or was it a friend of a friend? Or was it a dream? I must move away from the photocopier) got somewhat lost in translation.

Rather muffled while in use, she thought it said: “I’d love a cup of tea” when in fact it said something about loving her cu…I’ll leave it there. I have young children and every time I curse a fairy dies. Or something.

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12 Responses to “A talking vibrator – every shade of wrong in the sex toy rainbow”


  1. January 23, 2009 at 1:18 am

    Are you trying to make fun of my hallowed out baby seal hat?

    Well, I will NOT stand for it.

    HMPH.

  2. 2 brucehood
    January 23, 2009 at 8:07 am

    My God!!! The FACE… LOOK AT THE FACE!!! How could anyone insert that monster???

  3. 4 Rio
    January 23, 2009 at 3:51 pm

    With vibrators like this being given by men – Is it any wonder that we girls buy our own ?

  4. 5 womaninblack
    January 23, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    Bruce – after watching the video of your male equivalent of the vibrator, I am now horribly convinced that the female of the species may well become obsolete within five years. All they need to do is programme that damn thing to make packed lunches and remember everyone’s birthdays and we’ve had it.
    I like the slogan: “break all the rules without breaking any promises”. Because hitting your irate wife/girlfriend with a technicality which proves you’re not committing adultery is really going to help when she walks in on you getting overly friendly with a dustbuster.

    PS Otto – yes. Rio – No.

  5. 6 brucehood
    January 23, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    “your male equivalent”???? It’s not MINE!!!!!

    I could never do that to Mr Peanut!

  6. 7 womaninblack
    January 23, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    Perhaps I should have written “the male equivalent”. I do not want the world thinking that you pleasure yourself with hardware.

    You have to admit, though, the fact that it has a “hands-free” option does make it quite tempting. When have you ever been able to peel vegetables or knit while being taken to heaven before?

  7. 8 Ram Venkatararam
    January 24, 2009 at 1:55 am

    The face is most disturbing. It looks exactly like my grandmother. Exactly! She posed for a lot of photos and made a few videos – most of them pretty unsettling – but I don’t think she ever posed for something like this.

    I’ll go wash now. Yuck.

  8. January 25, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    This really exists? Maybe it’s an only in England thing. Please make it be an only in England thing. We have enough troubles here on our side of the ocean!

  9. 11 shaaakspsyco
    March 16, 2009 at 4:54 am

    gross!


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