25
Jan
09

Why the woman in black wears bright red knickers

I used to wear black on the outside because it was how I felt on the inside, now I wear it in the vain hope that it will somehow disguise the fact that my backside is used by astronauts as a homing device when they return to Planet Earth.

When I say I’m the Woman in Black, I mean it. I am the only person I know to whom getting dressed in the dark holds no fear.

My only concession to colour is my underwear, which is brightly coloured. This was a tip from a women’s magazine I once read that advised you should always aim for an element of surprise with your outfit. My element of surprise is saved for the ambulance service in the eventuality they might need to cut off my clothes after a hideous accident or the lucky few (if Mum is reading) who have been allowed access to my inner chambers.

My pathological hatred of fashion or clothes shopping means that as soon as I find a garment I can bear, I instantly buy six identical garments and then rotate them until I find something new that I like. Due to this fact, I shunned trousers for 15 years because I was working my way through dozens of totally identical skirts.

Flagrantly ignoring the Bible’s warning – “woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man…for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God” – I bought myself a pair of trousers and experienced a sense of liberation I had not felt since I discovered the mute button on my phone at work. I instantly went back to the shop and bought five identical pairs.

God’s vengeance was of no concern to me. I have seen the gentle BBC comedy The Vicar of Dibley, I know that God allowed female clergy in Dibley to wear trousers without sending plagues of locusts or apocalyptic floods to punish their sins (more’s the pity).

For the first few days of trouser-wearing, I was irresistibly drawn towards sitting with my legs splayed like a leering uncle at a wedding and had to fight the urge to ostenatiously adjust myself whenever anyone was looking. And oh! the joy of being able to step out of my horseless carriage without showing even an inch of petticoat – I tell you ladies, I think these ‘trousers’ might catch on.

Having embraced a whole new world of sartorial possibility, it seemed time to readdress my hatred of fashion and give it a second chance. I was not far into my search for inspiration when I found this crock of shit from celebrated Danish designer Henrik Vibskov.

The police's new community support officers weren't entirely happy with their new uniform

I know I have been away for a long time, locked into a clothes hell of my own making, but is this really what the young people are wearing these days? Just look at those buffoons in the background; it’s like a New Order video for the colour blind. And then there’s this:

As Jared walked down the runway, he couldn't help wondering: how had it all gone so terribly wrong.

This is the kind of coat that the kids with fleas wore at my high school. At best, you could say the coathanger hat might come in handy if you needed to pop into the dry cleaners and didn’t have a spare hand to carry your freshly-laundered smoking jacket home, at worst, well, is absolutely everything else.

I need no further proof that black is the way forward. My calculations show that I need not shop for clothes again until 2012.

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7 Responses to “Why the woman in black wears bright red knickers”


  1. January 25, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Did they steal those hats from Ken Dodd’s Diddy Men?

    • 2 womaninblack
      January 25, 2009 at 11:56 am

      As I had always suspected, Ken was way ahead of the game when it came to high fashion. I am only sorry that none of the models on the runway sport his agenda-setting teeth. Or maybe they do, but they’re holding back for Henrik’s new show…

  2. 3 Joy
    January 25, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    Thank you for coming to my blog. I wanted to check you out also. You are very humorous and I like your style. About the “fashion show” pics……um….my mother told me if I didn’t have anything nice to say that I shouldn’t say anything at all…..HILARIOUS……

  3. 4 Joy
    January 25, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    Me again, I wanted to tell you that if you put this

    https://womaninblack71.wordpress.com/

    in your profile, all people will have to do at each website you go to is click on your name and will be directed right here. You won’t have to leave your website address at each blog.

    Go to your profile, under “contact info” and put it under your email address where it says “website.”

  4. January 25, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    Thanks Joy, have done precisely that on your good advice. My computer know-how is legendary, in that everyone knows I have none.
    Hope to see you again soon!

  5. 6 brucehood
    January 25, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    Aren’t those hats a rip-off of the famous condom-on-the-head typically worn by drunk rugby players? And before you say, “yes they do look like k**b-heads”

  6. January 25, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    Bruce, I cannot believe that you are suggesting that Henrik Vibskov would have been influenced by drunken rugby players. He is clearly a very talented designer and comments such as yours only go to prove that you do not understand fashion at all. Just because Henrik refused to let you borrow the hat for when you chair the Michael Shermer evening does not mean you should remain bitter. I will knock you up an outfit myself. It will be black.


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