Still looking for the G-Spot? Here’s why you can’t find it

Like Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman or the Loch Ness Monster, scientists are now telling us that the G-Spot doesn’t exist.

This must come as welcome news to anyone for whom searching for the elusive G-Spot has always been, for want of a better phrase, a wild stab in the dark.

Scientists working at the University of Sheffield have revealed there is no evidence to support the existence of the G-Spot which was ‘discovered’ by German gynaecologist Dr Ernst Grafenberg decades ago. My, that must have been a popular degree course.

I always thought a woman’s ‘seat of pleasure’ was a chair positioned in front of The Wire season three, but according to Dr Grafenberg, it’s actually a tiny, nerve-packed area offering a sexual punch second to none.

The search for the G-Spot has been similar to that for the Holy Grail, Noah’s Ark or the key to the shed which was last seen in 1993 near the broken umbrella in the hall; pointless, time-consuming and ultimately fruitless.

Generally, heterosexual men fall into one of three camps – those who pride themselves on being the embodiment of The Joy of Sex, those who read Cosmopolitan once  and think this qualifies them to know what women want and those who believe pleasuring a woman involves buying her a new vacuum cleaner.

The first group will not let you leave their room of seduction until your G-Spot has been found and pinpointed on an exact map of your body which they have covered in highlighter pen and plastered with Post-It notes. Damn it, you are going to ENJOY this sex. Right now!

Youre not leaving until I find out which one of these is your G-Spot

You're not leaving until I find out which one of these is your G-Spot

In fact, this may be how the myth of the G-Spot emerged in the first place.

Bored into a state of almost catatonic compliance, Dr Ernst’s wife suddenly realised that if she pretended he’d hit the internal jackpot then she might be able to go back downstairs and have a nice cup of tea and a piece of shortbread. Little did she realise that she’d condemned the rest of womankind to a lifetime of fruitless excavation with the sexual allure of a smear test.

Group two are by far the most common of the three – during the honeymoon period of your relationship, the bit where you still find the fact they trim their toenails with their teeth alluring, they might make a couple of attempts to get out the compass and ruler to make a cursory search for your ‘seat of pleasure’. Then, showing great common sense, they will give up.

The third category of men would probably gnaw off their left leg before they did anything other than recreate the sex scenes in the BBC’s Walking With Cavemen series. Foreplay for them involves clubbing women over the head and dragging them back to their pile of skins.

Surely for all those smug couples who claim that on the night they discovered the G-Spot a chorus of angels appeared towing a rainbow over the bed, the news that they’ve been getting worked up over an imaginary erogenous zone must come as a bit of a blow.

Personally, I find it hard to get too upset at the G-Spot’s demise, because you can’t miss what you never had, or that no one ever found, or, indeed, bothered to look for with any degree of enthusiasm.

In my experience, the men I have encountered along life’s highways and byways find it difficult enough to find  a huge pack of nappies in a  supermarket; their chances of finding a minute spot of questionable existence without benefit of large signs, helpful assistants and a tannoy system is negligible at best.

By widening the search to a G-Zone, scientists have offered men a fighting chance of being in the right area. Had they broadened the field to “somewhere below the neck and above the knees” it would have been even better.

So the G-Spot is lost, possibly forever. Although of course, you know what will happen now, you spend forever searching for something and then it just turns up when you’re least expecting it. Probably down the back of the sofa.

* The Woman in Black apologises for her two-day absence. The ‘G-Spot Workshop’ took somewhat longer than she had anticipated.


6 Responses to “Still looking for the G-Spot? Here’s why you can’t find it”

  1. 1 brucehood
    February 1, 2009 at 7:06 am

    I was going to wax on about your mythical G- post until I saw the automatically generated link to “Deep-voiced men ‘have more kids'” However, the link is a tantalizing yet wholly unsatisfactory one-liner, Men with bass voices tend to have more children than those who speak in a higher pitch, scientists find. What? I want to know more about this study, the methodology, the theory, ??? oh well guess I’m back to your G-spot. I guess one could argue that if it has the same status as UFOs, then men might keep looking for them, which can’t be a bad thing.

  2. February 1, 2009 at 10:17 am

    Personally, I love a man with a squeaky voice. But this is because I can communicate with dolphins, so it’s hardly a level playing field.

  3. February 2, 2009 at 5:46 am

    There may or may not be a G-spot but I try to focus on the journey, not the destination. I find the most pleasure is not seekiing the conclusion but rather in the quest itself.

    Found you from the Food Here Convenience Store. Consider yourself linked in my blogroll. Until later.

  4. February 2, 2009 at 9:22 am

    Gryphon, welcome. The men I seem to have encountered in the past seem lukewarm about both the journey and the destination, although they all like stopping off at a cafe along the way for a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich.
    Like most long-distance journeys, I often find myself nodding off halfway through.

  5. February 2, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    So, if I understand you correctly, when I grab my wife’s vagina like it is a bowling ball, she is not really enjoying it? Damn it! That’s my best move!

  6. February 2, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    “Can you move a little to the left, dear? You’re blocking the t.v.”

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