Catnip fuelled killing spree (bird and mice lovers advisory)

It always annoys me when people moan about cats catching mice and birds as if it’s a lifestyle choice the felines in question have deliberated over, a bit like deciding to introduce the whole family to naturism by serving Sunday lunch in the raw without prior announcement.

Cats are hard-wired to kill; asking them to stop would be like expecting Amy Winehouse to stay sober during a tour of a meths distillery.

The latest hunting trip for my two cats began after they received a Christmas stocking packed full of catnip-stuffed toys from the children. That catnip – a gateway drug if ever there was one.

It was reefer madness in our house over the festive period, the cats periodically returning to the catnip cache to inhale before slumping in front of the PS3 or hanging around by their food bowls with the munchies.

Kitty crack - just say no

Chop me out a line of nip, Felix. I owe you, man.

It was only a matter of time before their supply ran out, the catnip effect dimmed and the cats started to  suffer withdrawal symptoms, forcing them to seek their illicit thrills elsewhere.  Outside, small creatures shivered with dread, although not to the point where any of them relocated to an area where cats fear to tread (their outside toilet, for instance).

The stupidity of small creatures perfectly illustrates Charles Darwin’s theory about the survival of the fittest and proves conclusively that mice don’t have cable TV and therefore have very limited access to Tom and Jerry cartoons for some pointers.

Bored, disaffected and going cold catnip, the cats went hunting, having spent several hours fruitlessly attempting to breach the fish tank.

Half an hour later, the nimbler of the two cats (the one whose stomach doesn’t drag on the ground) returned with a mouse in his jaws and hurried off to what we grandly call ‘the office’, but what is in fact an ice-cold, ugly extension filled with tat, a dartboard, the computer and a carpet held together by candle wax spills and food stains.

He then promptly let it go, at which point it sought refuge behind the computer desk. The cats set up an all-night vigil, then got a bit bored with releasing their inner hunter after about 20 minutes and went to sleep, at which point the mouse escaped to the bathroom.

Initial plans to ‘let the cats finish the job’ were dismissed when the children bonded with the mouse as it watched them go to the toilet.

Yes they harbour all manner of vile diseases, yes they can bite if provoked, yes they leave their droppings everywhere, but the mouse didn’t seem to mind.

Now we have a humane mousetrap in order to lure our rodent lodger into a land of peanut butter, with extremely strict border control on the return journey. The creature is, of course, completely failing to grasp his freedom and is resolutely holed up in my contact lens box.

Just what I need: another member of the household that refuses to do as it’s told. I’ll keep you posted (unless the damn thing attacks, in which case my lackadaisical approach to keeping up to date with my Tetanus jabs may well, like the mouse, come back to bite me on the arse).


9 Responses to “Catnip fuelled killing spree (bird and mice lovers advisory)”

  1. 1 brucehood
    February 2, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    `hmmm… the mouse doesn’t eat? Hmmm. stays away from bright lights? does it stumble around on hind legs with forearms raised and groaning??? if so definitely an infestation of zombie mice!

  2. February 2, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    The funniest thing I’ve read in ages.

  3. February 2, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    More to the point, Bruce, the cursed creature ate my brain the last time I went to the toilet. As yet, no discernible difference. But when I go back to work for Nasa tomorrow…who knows.

  4. 5 danmihalache
    February 2, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    When I play with my cat, who knows if I am not a pastime to her more than she is to me?

    Montaigne (1533-1592)
    Essays, Book II, 1580
    Chapter 12

  5. 6 danmihalache
    February 2, 2009 at 9:47 pm

    I also have two cats; do you want some more about cats?
    Of all God’s creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

    (Mark Twain)

  6. February 2, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    Danmihalache, you are a veritable cat quote machine, thank you. Do you have any quotes that might help me deal with the mouse in my bathroom?
    It stares at me. Its eyes bore into my very soul. And its teeth have already bored through a floorboard.

  7. 8 wilko
    February 2, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    Very often cat owners indignantly phone her majesty’s constabulary complaining that a dog chased their cat from a perch in someone else’s garden (while no doubt eyeing up the someone else’s gravel for a runny shit) and demand that the boys in blue “do something”. Apparently this behaviour makes a dog rabidly dangerous. Believe me, not half as rabidly dangerous as I am when I discover one of them doing a shit in my gravel.

  8. February 4, 2009 at 12:11 am

    “Today if you build a better mousetrap, the government will come along with a better mouse.”

    Spray it with water to weigh it down and make it hard to run, then flush it down the toilet.

    Hiring a guy in green leotards and a feathered hat to play a flute might work too.

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