03
Feb
09

National Carrot Day! Celebrate with my vegetable porn!

In these dark times of recession and gloom, we need carrots more than ever (literally, if we are to believe our grandmother’s claim that they help us see in the dark).

Like an orange beacon of hope shining in a sea of misery and mire, the carrot stands for all that is good and honest in the world. I only wish I liked the bloody things, but they turn my stomach every time I force the kids to eat them at gunpoint. Still, in the spirit of bringing light into the darkness, and as it is National Carrot Day today, I thought we could celebrate the world’s second favourite root vegetable together.

Yes, I know they’re not as good as potatoes – let’s get it out there before anyone else does. But answer me this: can potatoes turn your urine orange? No, they cannot. Are potatoes the national vegetable of the Dutch Royal family? No. Did the Anglo-Saxons use potatoes as a medicinal drink to ward off the devil? No (and they wouldn’t have even if they had access to a time machine because potatoes are notoriously redundant in the battle between good and evil).

Below are some of my favourite carrots. One is a picture of a carrot I OWN! There is a carrot-based prize for whoever can identify the Womaninblack’s personal carrot:

1) DID YOU KNOW? The Greek soldiers who hid in the Trojan Horse ate plenty of raw carrots to give themselves constipation.

Go on baby, give me all that lovely Vitamin A

"Oh yeah baby, give me all that lovely Vitamin A, give it to me good."

2) DID YOU KNOW? Scientists are working on bio-fuel made from carrots. It would take 6,000 carrots to drive for a mile – a pack of around 12 carrots costs me about 50p and I generally drive around 10 miles a week, so that makes my weekly fuel budget a wallet-friendly £2,500. Thanks, carrots!

Lauretta Bobbit had thought through her husbands dinner

Lauretta Bobbit had thought through her husband's dinner

3) DID YOU KNOW? Carrot vibrators are actually not made of real carrot, but rather a polymer substance called ‘IntimateSkin’. This version has a light up tip, which is useful AND reflects the natural qualities of a carrot, which are famous for helping you see in the dark.

Tired of raiding the fridge before bed?

Tired of raiding the fridge before bed? Wish your vibrator was also a torch?

4) DID YOU KNOW? Dream dictionaries, recognised by scientists as being 100 per cent factually accurate, state that if you dream of a young woman eating carrots, you will enjoy an early marriage and give birth to lots of children. EVEN IF YOU ARE AN OLD MAN! Fact.

happy carrot

Oh look! It's a root vegetable that looks exactly like a carrot!

5) DID YOU KNOW? The Celts used to refer to carrots as “the honey underground”. This is where the myth began that carrot cake was anything other than a dreadful idea cloaked in cream cheese icing.

Jocasta! Stop crying!

"Jocasta! Stop crying or there'll be no carob for afters!"

6) DID YOU KNOW? More than 139 per cent of British schoolchildren think that carrots grow on trees.

This has never happened to me before...just give me a minute...

"This has never happened to me before...just give me a minute..."

7) DID YOU KNOW? Name dictionaries, which are only three per cent less reliable than dream dictionaries, reveal that if your surname is Carrot, you will find your greatest joy expressing yourself creatively and not being held back by The Man and His Rules.

Carrots are surprisingly political - and good grated into a salad

Carrots are surprisingly political - and equally good grated into a salad

8) DID YOU KNOW? The world’s longest carrot was grown in 2007 and was a veg-tastic 5.839 metres long. It would have powered a bio-fuel car for around 249 metres.

Ok. So you're only interested in octuplet HUMANS, right? Racist.

9) DID YOU KNOW? In the 1870s, Iranian men used to drink carrots stewed in sugar to increase the quality and quantity of their sperm. This may, or may not be behind the legend of the ‘night vision prostitutes’ in Iran at around the same time in history.

In Britain, it is acceptable to dress as a carrot at funerals

In Britain, it is custom to dress as a carrot at every third funeral you attend

So – did you spot my carrot? Do you have a carrot-related story to share? Do tell.

*** THIS POST HAS BEEN SPONSORED BY THE BRITISH CARROT GROWER’S ASSOCIATION ‘ We’re rooting for you!’ ***

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13 Responses to “National Carrot Day! Celebrate with my vegetable porn!”


  1. 1 Ram Venkatararam
    February 3, 2009 at 1:36 am

    I’m guessing number 2…

    I have no amusing carrot-related stories. I apologize.

  2. 2 Tim The Poet
    February 3, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    I believe it’s the Bobbit carrot, which is basically just a normal carrot that you’ve dropped on the ground and it broke, isn’t it, hmmmm? When I was little I used to pull up carrots from my Father’s vegetable patch and let our Great Dane lick them clean before I ate them. Never did me any harm.

  3. February 3, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Oh, I so want it to be number 9… Never having met yer man, despite over a decade of trying, I now have a mental image to work with.

    I have some frozen carrots in my fridge. Don’t freeze carrots. They go all funny and you can’t peel them.

  4. 4 brucehood
    February 3, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    I think this is your funniest post to date. You are spoiling us! How the hell can you keep this mirth up? More precisely what medication are you on???

    Like Ram, I vote for Number 2…thank god it is not a penis….it looks like it has a fungal infection…

  5. February 3, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    This is hilarious!! What could we do with squash? Don’t get me going…

  6. February 3, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Ram, Tim, Hawthorn and Bruce. You have all guessed…incorrectly.

    The carrot I own is number four.

    1writegirl, for not guessing at all and therefore not being totally wrong, you are a runner-up. Sadly, there are no prizes for being a runner-up, although the British Carrot Association has a long memory and looks after its own, so that should be a consolation.

    When I said I had a carrot-based prize, it was a deviously clever play on words. I actually had a carat-based prize – a solid gold bar. Fear not, it will be placed in my offshore account until National Carrot Day 2010. By then, I expect you all to know the kind of carrot I’d give house room to.

    **INTERESTING FACT** Carrot number two, the pundits’ favourite, is actually an example of how one should NOT use a spade while digging up carrots. You live, you learn.

  7. February 4, 2009 at 12:20 am

    Hey, I was reading these comments and had already chosen #4! And still no prize?

    I miss my carrots. I used to eat lots of baby ones, but they are a very sugary veggie, so no more.

  8. February 4, 2009 at 12:23 am

    Ever see a rabbit wearing glasses? Me neither.

    Dreaming of a young woman eating carrots would have put me in mind of something entirely different which I guess explains why I don’t interpret dreams for a living.

  9. 9 brucehood
    February 4, 2009 at 7:52 am

    By sheer coincidence carrot day came up in conversation with a very famous scientist I was hosting at dinner last night. Various stories were circulating but I alerted them to your info post via the magic of internet on the iPhone.

    Apparently one origin of the carrots make you see better came from a disinformation strategy from WWII to keep the success of radar from the enemy.

    I think it comes from magical thinking where men believe if they play with their carrot long enough they may lose vision. So the best way to remedy this loss of vision is to eat more carrots.

  10. February 4, 2009 at 9:21 am

    Great, but who decided 3 February was National Carrot Day? World Carrot Day is surely 10 December.

    The World Carrot Museum tells the full story of carrots, they do have a fascinating history.

    Oh and how do get the figure of 139% of schoolchildren??

    Keep on carroting folks.

  11. 11 wilko
    February 4, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    Carrot number one is a picture of what happens if you don’t thin your seedlings properly. Dirty bastards. You think that’s scary, you should see what happens to parsnips.


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