giving barbie heroin to the kids – is it wrong to drug children?

The hangover from Scarlet Fever lurks in the household like a persistent stalker outside the bathroom window.

Headaches abound, and everyone is clamouring for drugs. Everyone apart from me, of course, because I am harder than a diamond and actively enjoy suffering because it reminds me how awesomely brave and stoic I am, like Joan of Arc, but with better hair.

At times like these, I thank all that is holy for Barbie heroin, mother’s little helper, also known as junior paracetamol.

"Mummy says this will have to do until Mr Big scores some of the pink stuff."

Ah, the crimson-hued bringer of peace, the glittering syrup of silence, the strawberry-flavoured elixir that makes hurty tum-tums go bye-byes at bedtime.

It came as somewhat of a blow, therefore, to read a report from the Food Commission revealing that a huge number of junior medicines are jam-packed with a cocktail of synthetic dyes, preservatives and sweeteners, all of which are banned in food and drink made for young children.

Apparently, junior paracetamol isn’t extracted from organic pomegranates, the glitter isn’t fairy dust and when we give them a painkiller, we might as well be injecting them in the eyeballs with amphetamines or passing them a crack pipe (as if! That crack is all mine).

A conspiracy of silence surrounds the administering of infant paracetamol. Parents who would rather gnaw off their own arm than give their children sweets will cheerfully funnel neon pink numbing sparkle juice into their offspring at the merest hint of an injury or an ache.

For all those parents confused about the difference between additive-riddled sweets and additive-riddled junior medicines, I have compiled an at-a-glance guide.

Sweets are:
(a)     The devil’s own work and single-handedly responsible for the rise in childhood obesity, diabetes, tooth decay, gun crime and global warming.
(b)    Bad because they make Tilly hyperactive if she so much as SNIFFS a Starburst.
(c)      Ultimately pointless because in time, Tarquin and Jemima will actually prefer dried kumquats and candied beetroot to a packet of Haribo or a bag of space dust.

Junior medicines, on the other hand, are:
(a)     A bloody Godsend. Put your thumb over the ingredients label and pour a spoonful would you? EastEnders is on in 10 minutes and I can’t hear the telly through the screaming.


7 Responses to “giving barbie heroin to the kids – is it wrong to drug children?”

  1. February 4, 2009 at 12:13 am

    oooooooo…… you write well. I’m envious……

  2. 2 Ram Venkatararam
    February 4, 2009 at 2:46 am

    Not to digress immediately but “Barbie Heroin” was the name of the East Indian post punk band I sang with back in University. Good times. Keep the drugs flowing – it will prep your kids well for highschool.

  3. 3 pinnythewu
    February 4, 2009 at 3:30 am

    Wait, it’s NOT fairy dust?!

  4. February 4, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    That was hilarious! I have a request – could everyone who inadvertantly receives sweets for their kids, and wants to get rid of them, send them to me? I have a sweet tooth the size of my fat ass.

  5. February 5, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    I am thinking you Brits have different labeling rules than we do here in the US. There are no warnings on our packages about artificial ANYTHING, either for children or grown-ups, which means the consumer is in a constant state of ‘buyer beware’ status, which, as you can imagine, becomes hypervigilant until it becomes intolerable by its exhaustive nature, at which point we, especially those of us who are parents and have the good luck or misfortune, depending on how you look at it, to be responsible not just for what goes into our bodies but those of other, less reasoning and capable little beings, abdicate all responsibility for anything that crosses anybody’s lips and consume anything we can get our hands on if it tastes good and we/they stop whining to have it because it’s all the rage (this of course applies to consumer electronics as well.) Oh my god, see what you’ve done here, goading me into long run-on sentences in this way… I may just need to go and shove a donut in my mouth to calm down, and it’s on your head, mind you…

  6. 6 Craig
    February 5, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    I find that a cheap 2 litre bottle of Cherryade (can usually be found for about 25p) does the trick if the kids aren’t well or too lazy to walk to school. It may be packed full of sugar and evil stuff that terrorists wouldn’t even use, but it kicks them up the arse like a Red Bull in a china shop. Most of the kids where I live have red mustaches, but they’re also World Tig Champions, putting the town on the map, this raises local moral, increases jobs and helps battle the Credit Crunch. Well done them kids. Yummy Mummys should be ashamed.

  7. February 7, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    I never give children drugs! That would be less for me.

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