What are the most disturbing search engine terms people use to find your blog?

I am sure I am not alone in marvelling at the many and varied ways people chance upon the posts you have committed to the world wide web.

I say ‘marvelling’, I mean ‘despairing’. There are lots of perverts and voyeurs out there, my friends, and most of them are dropping in to see me in the hope of some hot vibrator/breasts/knickers/dwarves/vegetable action. I am glad not to let these valued viewers down.

Apologies should, however,  be extended to all those who arrive in my corner of cyberspace hoping for recipes on the basis that I mentioned cooking, once, about six weeks ago. On this note, I must advise that under no circumstances should you try and use a carrot vibrator in your slow cooker recipes. They are surprisingly tough, even after marination.

For your delectation, these are a selection of the people you are sharing these pages with. Possibly right now. And you’re the only one with both hands on the keyboard.

1) Black women without knickers

2) Women with black knickers

3) Dwarves with big breasts

4) Flooded black knickers dwarves

5) Vegetable vibrator sexy

6) Vibrator that talks back 2 u

7) How to find g spot women orgasm

8) Madonna nip slip hot picture

9) Map of g spot

10) Carrot sex video

I do wish Mum would stop hassling about the carrot sex video. A promise is a promise, and she should know I always follow through (wait until the harvest, Mama! Then the carrots will come, oh yes, they will come).

Do you have any disturbing search engine terms to share? I have no prize, other than my eternal and life-prolonging love.


18 Responses to “What are the most disturbing search engine terms people use to find your blog?”

  1. February 5, 2009 at 12:17 am

    Why oh why oh WHY is WordPress insisting on translating one of my numbers into a smiley every time I post a list?
    I hate smileys. Hate them, loathe them, abhor them.
    Let it be known: the Womaninblack is under friendly fire.
    Feel free to pepper any replies with smileys. I would.

  2. February 5, 2009 at 12:38 am

    I have had some weirdos on my blog! Not sure how they get there though! My blog is all about family, Lupus and things like that! Strange!

  3. February 5, 2009 at 12:56 am

    According to Google Analytics some of the odder keywords that have led people to my blog via search are:
    m&s bristol
    “a wise old druze arab”
    “will smith”
    4 1/2″ strappy stilettos for transvestites
    black & white great dane
    drag queen transform wig
    haemund dingbat
    hot sex with my wife
    inurl:blogspot garage floor covering
    no running no bombng no petting
    planning granted weston coyney
    staffordshire oatcakes slimming world
    stanley mathews cockney rhyming sang
    ted’s place tv/ts – gallery

    I can only summise that my blog lacks some focus!!

  4. February 5, 2009 at 1:42 am

    My favorite this week is “ted haggard butt slammer”. I really, really hope it was the “butt slammer” part that brought them to my site. That would make me so proud.

  5. February 5, 2009 at 1:55 am

    I don’t have any interesting search terms, but am now extremely grateful. I’m just a bit too “aged” to appreciate them – they make me wince. :-):-):-)

  6. 6 pinnythewu
    February 5, 2009 at 2:22 am

    why yes! However mine aren’t as lurid as yours. My top search is “Scary Boogers” a phrase I onced used in a post title, but I didn’t expect that someone would actually search that. Also I once got “dirty fucking” and even once I got “he pushed the sound into her vagina” what does that even mean? and why oh why would you search for it?

  7. 7 Ram Venkatararam
    February 5, 2009 at 3:02 am

    Okay, I am prepared to admit that it was me who searched item #3 – but I assure you it was research for a book I am writing on the making of the Wizard of Oz. And it did lead me here…

    I would add a smiley but I have no idea how you “create” them. Perhaps I will google “I need to give her a good and thorough smiley” and see where it takes me….

    On my site, “Snapple” is the most offensive term I’ve seen.

  8. February 5, 2009 at 6:15 am

    I did a post about the horrible things they do to rodeo animals to get them to buck which include tying leather straps around their testicles that pull them when they are bouncing around in the arena. I mentioned that the men on the back of the beasts probably wore protective cups and in my opinion they should reverse the procedure.

    I started to get increasing strange search engine phrases that hit that particular post including, “Why do men have two testicles?” There were others in a similar vein but I think the trauma has caused me to block them from my conscious thoughts. My answer to this question, should they have bothered to comment and ask would have been, “Because none will never do, one is still insufficient not to mention asymetrical, and three or more is just plain silly.”

  9. February 5, 2009 at 6:18 am

    try separating the parentheses from the number 8 with a space. 8)


  10. February 5, 2009 at 10:38 am

    By far the most grotesque one I ever had was “Tory long toenails”. The mind boggles.

    By the way, well done for lasting so long before resorting to the tried and tested “Things Wot People Searched For To Find My Blog” post.

  11. 11 brucehood
    February 5, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    Here is my list from today so far.
    blood 11
    bruce hood 2
    surgical spirits 2
    brucemhood hardesty 2
    cellular memory organ transplants 1
    irony of descartes death 1
    “blind babies” 1
    rubber love dolls 1
    tom cruise butt naked 1

    Nothing out of the ordinary then… I never usually look at this but now I am alerted…. this country needs “lerts”


  12. February 5, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    ‘Adorable pet bride’ for one… now that gets the wheels turning, doesn’t it?

  13. 13 Craig
    February 5, 2009 at 5:50 pm

    I am partly responsible for these as I made a couple of posts which I knew would attract such hits. Here’s just some of the search terms from this week.

    windy skirts
    wind blowing up skirts
    japanese windy skirt
    skirts flashing knickers
    flashing knickers
    up her skirt knickers
    flash your knickers
    girls talking about flashing knickers
    knicker flashing girls
    consequences of wiping back to front [i] – I am rather proud of this one.[/i]
    girls flashing knickers
    wind blowing up japanese school girls sk
    japanese naughty wind skirt
    japanese girls flashing knickers
    up skirt phone cameras
    upskirts no panties blowing in the wind
    up skirt wind publick
    up skirt no knickers
    japanese pervert cam
    embarrassed wind skirt
    cameras for seeing up skirts

    My blog features unknown (made up) Public Information Films. I wrote a couple in there about women protecting themselves from camera phone perverts and dangerous winds. I’d say about 70% of my search engine traffic comes from those posts, which makes me sad because I put more effort into the others. In case you’re interested you can find me blog at http://pifilms.wordpress.com

  14. February 5, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    My best (in a disturbing way) were:

    dominatrix training Vancouver


    should I feel guilty for not posting bail

    BTW: And I’ve had the same problem with eight plus bracket = unwanted smiley emoticon. I have discovered the following when writing in WordPress…

    – Settings
    – Writing Settings
    – There is a formattting tick box that you can unselect which IN THEORY means that WordPress will stop trying to be helpful and change things like 8 plus bracket into an emoticon. I say, in theory, because I’m sure that option was unselected the last time I tried to use a list and it still changed it. Nevertheless, I’m optimistic for the next time.

    For what it’s worth.

  15. February 6, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Ah, it is good to know that I am not the only person bombarded by thrill-seekers keen to offload their tension (and far worse) by reading my posts which in NO WAY seek to attract readers by gratuitously including rude words in tags etc.
    Thank you all for dropping by. I’m off to check out that Japanese pervert cam.

  16. February 6, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    Mine aren’t as disturbing as they are weird. I have gotten 19 “southern cross tattoo” requests though I have never written about a southern cross and I only mentioned tattoo once (last April)

  17. February 7, 2009 at 5:30 am

    I got two hits for ‘funny games men’ recently, and I haven’t ever written about fun, games, men, and ESPECIALLY not ‘funny games men’ altogether 😛

  18. February 8, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    One that gets one of our admins, who is a nurse, feeling rather paranoid is

    Ugly nurse

    ….which crops up on a regular basis.

    I suppose I’d better stop doing it…..

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