Just how natural is the ‘natural look’? About as natural as licking a chainsaw

It is, as they say,’that time of the month’.

I am not, before queasy readers turn away in their droves, referring to my menstrual cycle (stop running! Come back!) although if you’d like posts regarding my personal Eve’s curse, do leave me a comment, and I’ll ask the psychopath who kidnaps my body during the second week of every month to jot you down a few lines. I call her ‘Myra’.

No, I refer to my monthly blue rinse. Every four weeks, I succumb to vanity and attempt to inject some excitement into my black hair with a rinse that claims to leave the hair with ‘natural looking raven glints’. In practice, it stains my scalp a violent electric blue for at least three days – it’s enough to terrify any small child. Even my own.

What I will look like in around 10 years time

What I will look like in around 10 years time. Ok, five years. One year. Now.

As an impressionable teen, I remember reading lots of agony aunt advice in Jackie magazine reassuring those of us whose parents drew the line when we tried to leave the house looking like a cross between a clown and a prostitute, that most boys preferred ‘the natural look’.

Ah, the natural look. That’s the one which requires six hours in make-up, a nerve-shredding encounter with an ice cube and tweezers, and 60 blistering minutes under a highlighting cap (or in my case, 60 minutes with someone whose conversation begins and ends with: ‘are you going anywhere nice this year?’).

No man has ever said that they think I look more attractive without make-up: this is because thus far, I have been able to snare men who have functioning eyes, although I’m definitely not ruling blind ones out in the future. Indeed within a few years, they’ll be my target market.

Without make-up I look uncannily like a paparazzi shot of George Michael taken a few years ago just a few minutes after he’d climbed out of a bush on Hampstead Heath. His excuse was that he’d been cavorting with a 58-year-old itinerant at 3am – mine is that I’ve just had eight hours ‘beauty sleep’. You should see me when I’ve had a big night out.

The Woman in Black at 7am. On a good day.

The Woman in Black at 7am. On a good day.

In addition to the pointless ‘raven glints’, I’ve also forked out for fearsomely expensive tooth capping, I have my eyelashes dyed (ridiculous) and use a ludicrously expensive moisturiser which promises to impart ‘youthful radiance’ but is, in fact, just a normal moisturiser with the addition of some red food dye. ‘Youthful radiance’ is duly imparted for around 20 seconds, after which the dye gathers in every wrinkle, making me look like a self-harming pensioner who has run out of room on their arms, legs and trunk.

Despite the fact that I have never ventured near a plastic surgeon’s knife (my only reconstructive surgery was after I’d given birth and was carried out simply so I didn’t leak intestines every time I ran for a bus) practically nothing about my appearance is natural.

Bra by Isombard Kingdom Brunel, underwear by Ideal Scaffolding, hair by Crayola, teeth by Wedgwood and tan by bottle: it’s a dreadful litany of falseness which makes Pete Burns or Joan Rivers look like traditional English roses.

The only reason I don’t pop out my eyeballs and replace them with better ones is because I’m too squeamish.

Do not let my vanity and tireless campaign to appear like a natural beauty passable 30-something human fool you into thinking I actually pull it off – I have a bright blue scalp, for Christ’s sake. And somehow, the Woman in Black with Raven Glints just doesn’t trip off the tongue in quite the same way.

PS Myra is nearing. Be very afraid.


8 Responses to “Just how natural is the ‘natural look’? About as natural as licking a chainsaw”

  1. February 9, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    I thought you looked pretty good, except for the beard and suspenders. Thanks for the funny post.

  2. February 9, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    Is that Papa Smurf? He hasn’t aged well has he?

    And do I have to learn mirror writing to read Myra’s posts?

  3. February 9, 2009 at 10:06 pm

    where is all the women in black … haha nice blog

  4. 4 pinnythewu
    February 9, 2009 at 11:54 pm

    I think I had similar reconstructive surgery. My natural look involves chocolate coloured hair dye, mascara, bronzing powder, eyeshadow, sheer lipstick made out of fish scales and whale fat (probably), suction undies, a pushup bra and various other torture devices.

  5. February 10, 2009 at 2:15 am

    I’ve noticed this is the fourth post in a row that your picture had either a guy in blue or who is blue…what’s up with that?

  6. February 10, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    Black and blue – my look is a post-modern nod to severe bruising. That and the fact that I like my men to be blue, both in looks and pornographic demeanour.

    Pandora – one can never predict how and where Myra will leave her thoughts. Once she carved them into a pensioner with a plastic set square.

  7. February 10, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    I’m guessing your “natural” charm and ascerbic wit would keep any man fully occupied and distracted, with no room to nitpik trivial physicalities like scalp hues or eyebrow shape and/or color. And let’s face it, you can’t get any more natural than wrinkles. Let him thank his lucky stars you’re even talking to him…

  8. 8 okathleen
    February 10, 2009 at 11:27 pm

    Brown paper bag or beer goggles are a decent standby..


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