a sneak peek inside bono’s diary (or ‘how to save the world in seven days’)

If world hunger could be solved by relentless self-publicity and rampant egotism, Bono could have single-handedly fed the world and left Africa facing an obesity epidemic years ago.

Admit it, U2 are loathesome. They’re a Nu Labour Dire Straits for people who smoked joss sticks at university because they were too scared to try cannabis. Bono wears stupid glasses. His trousers are too tight.  His anti-drugs stand makes me glad that most rock stars snort coke off hookers’ inner thighs because it means they’re too wasted to start lecturing us about global warming/Aids/third world debt/the donkey sanctuary at Sidmouth.

Talking about debt, have you seen how much it costs to see U2 live? Go and see them more than once in a lifetime and you’ll need Bono to negotiate with your building society to prevent your house being repossessed.

U2 have a new album out. Bono is going to be everywhere, all over again. Banging on. Singing. Both are equally irritating.

Lets make Bono history. And The Edge. And the other two.

Let's make Bono history. And The Edge. And the other two.

A typical week for Bono:

Monday: Summit meetings with Afghan warlords. Lunch/colonic irrigation at Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s house. Use Apple Martin’s puppet theatre to recreate historical scenes of abuse from the Abu Ghraib prison to raise her awareness of humanitarian issues.

Tuesday: Crisis talks with Israeli defence ministers over arms sales to India. During coffee break, draft plan on napkin to end all famine before Sunday teatime. Lunch in leprosy colony. E-conference with Beckhams to solve marital problems. Create scale model of Taj Mahal from Lego for son’s pre-school ‘build a house’ project. Send it home on Lear jet.

Wednesday: Meet with Palestinian Authority President at gym. Agree to 15-minute acoustic set at his birthday party if he imposes an immediate moratorium on prisoner executions. Meet The Edge at tapas bar. Write new platinum-selling album: ‘Unchallenging Pop Songs for Morons’.

Thursday: Turn back the tides. Feed the 5,000 with one KFC bargain bucket and a ‘go large’ milkshake.

Friday: Breakfast with authorities in Guatemala to persaude them to incorporate a wider ranging gender perspective into their policy making. Photo call at UN headquarters. Swear (“crikey!”) during live TV interview about the ivory trade. Muffins and cocktails with Elton John.

Saturday: Grant Pope an audience and put forward 30-year plan for Catholic church. Personally intervene when hotel runs out of Champagne with stock from private vineyard. Video conference with family. Note there appears to be a new child, apparently born in 2002.

Sunday: Smoke joss sticks and listen to Dire Straits.

Another reason I hate U2: my first ‘proper’ boyfriend decided, unilaterally, to choose ‘our song’ It was ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’. He claimed not to see the irony. Three years later, he found what he was looking for: my best friend. Five years after that, she found what SHE was looking for: Noel Fielding of The Mighty Boosh (does that mean ANYTHING to you out there in the US? I doubt it. Sorry). Them’s tricks.


8 Responses to “a sneak peek inside bono’s diary (or ‘how to save the world in seven days’)”

  1. 1 pinnythewu
    February 11, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    Me and hubby totally has this conversation last night. We also hate Bono with a passion. He makes me want to start my own coal burning factory.

  2. February 11, 2009 at 10:34 pm

    Rant about Bono all you want, but The Edge rawks! 😀

  3. February 11, 2009 at 10:44 pm

    How can you possibly hate the new Messiah? (I mean the other one besides Obama). This guy only saves the world on pretty much a daily basis and you complain about his awesomeness? If you would embrace his greatness, he could accomplish many more great things. For instance, I hear that when he is made King or Prime Minister or Grand Poobah or whatever you have over there, ALL packages will have to be delivered within 15 minutes. How do you like the great Bono now? I thought so.

  4. 4 okathleen
    February 11, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    Until recently, and perhaps because I live under a stone, I thought the Irish bloke who should have gone to Specsavers was called Bone-o. Well, he could certainly eat himself…

    Anyway I came to your blog via Bruce M Hood, and jolly glad I am too.

    With regards to what womaninblack might wear to her wedding, apart from the obvious, I think a Pantomime Horse costume would be my first choice.


  5. February 15, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    It’s good to see some people in the UK hate Bono and U2 as much as many of us in the US.

    And being from the US, I can verify that the following means nothing to us: Noel Fielding of The Mighty Boosh. I’m assuming that’s some hilarious reference for you Brits, but it’s lost upon me.

  6. 6 auradioheadkida
    February 17, 2009 at 11:20 pm

    Here! Here! Bono sucks! Any Rawk star, besides KISS, that feels the need to wear platforms is a sillynanny!

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