How to tell if you’re living next door to a cannabis factory. In hindsight.

It turns out that the ‘quiet students’ down the road were actually running a spectacularly successful cannabis farm – and if it hadn’t been for the pesky cold weather, they’d have gotten away with it, too.

It seems that our local law enforcers are trained to look for houses which seem to shrug off a heavy frost or snow; a lack of the white stuff on the roof may well indicate an abundance of the green stuff under it, thanks to the tropical heat such plants require to grow. It may, on the other hand, indicate really poor insulation – but the likelihood is that the boys and girls in blue won’t stop to check your energy efficiency rating before they smash into your house with a battering ram at 3am, so perhaps it’s time to have those cavities pumped full of foam, as the actress said to the bishop.

The police are keen to enlist help from the public in their bid to uncover more undercover factories, and have issued the following handy tips which can help Joe Public discern whether or not they’re living next to a cannabis cottage industry. They include:

(a)  The curtains at the property are constantly closed.

(b) There is a lot of noise when someone moves into a property, but afterwards no one seems to be living there.

(c) There is a strange smell.

These indications are similar, although subtly different, to spotting the signs that you might be living next door to a pikey, one of those psychopaths who “kept himself to himself” while busily burying taping roadkill to his bedroom ceiling, a student or a corpse.

Other signs that you might be living next door to a cannabis factory are as follows:

(a) You have told everyone who will listen that you live next door to a “dream” neighbour who never makes any noise, doesn’t always nick the parking space outside your house and who doesn’t seem to mind that you have permanently borrowed their green recycling box.

(b) Your teenage children shun standing in desolate bus shelters drinking alcopops and laughing at passers-by in order to sit in your garden, inhaling.

(c) The birds on top of the chimney stack next door are singing Bob Marley’s One Love.

(d) You keep meaning to ask the very nice, laid-back man who you saw moving in 10 months ago and have only seen twice since for the secret to his green-fingered success. You kill houseplants in a week, the ones you can see in his back bedroom are six feet tall.

It sounds simple, right? Wrong. I had cannabis growing right under my nose and was none the wiser. Thank God I am a shallow breather and that my addiction to crack has left me so paranoid that I spend most waking hours hiding in an unventilated cupboard to stop the curtain pixies from stealing my freckles.

If you’re still unsure how to spot the signs that YOU are living in the shadow of a cannabis empire, I have compiled the following quiz so you can know for once and for all:

1) You hear noises next door just as you realise you’ve run out of milk. Sensing an opportunity to meet the neighbours and solve your milk problem in one fell swoop, you knock on their door and they lead you through the front room towards the fridge. Do you see…

(a) This:

(b) This:

(c) This:

2) Your neighbours look like:

(a) This:

(b) This:

(c) This:

3) As your neighbours leave their house, you notice that their car looks like:

(a) This:

(b) This:

(c) This:

If your answers were mainly (a)s or (b)s, there is no need to panic. You are simply living next door to upwardly mobile super posh Jemimas and Jeremys who sneer at you the minute you turn your back, or serial killers, or both.

If you answered mainly (c)s, it’s time to put in a call to Her Majesty’s Constabulary. Just don’t blame me if the nice, quiet cannabis factory you used to live next door to becomes the new home to Mr and Mrs Domestic Dispute, their six teenage sons and three dangerous dogs.


10 Responses to “How to tell if you’re living next door to a cannabis factory. In hindsight.”

  1. February 22, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    Are you a ghost writer for Penthouse Forum? I only ask because you recently used the term “man butter” and today you said, “cavities pumped full of foam”. If you are not getting paid for this kind of eloquent porn, you are being ripped off.

    When I was a young man, I could also find pot parties by listening for a TV blaring The Three Stooges. (By the way, and I swear to whatever holy force is out there, Eddie Grant and Electric Avenue just came on my Winamp. I am sooo getting dreads).

    By the way, is it wrong for me to want to have sex with the Chuckie’s Bride doll? There is just something so attractive about her.

  2. 2 brucehood
    February 23, 2009 at 11:04 am

    Dear WIB,
    Where do you get the time to compose such wonderfully civic-minded posts? not to mention find the bizarre images. It took me a while to recognize the grizzly contents of your fridge. There again, why trawl through google image when it is so much easier to take the photographs yourself? Are you darker than you seem WIB.


  3. February 23, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    I am insanely envious of you.

    Is that wrong?

  4. 4 Ram Venkatararam
    February 24, 2009 at 12:44 am

    Very nice post WIB.

    Educational and it also gave me the munchies.

    My neighbour is the Casket Here Funeral Home so I have no concerns on the grow-op side. A meth lab is always a possibility though.

  5. 5 pinnythewu
    February 24, 2009 at 3:44 am

    Your neighbours sound very nice.

  6. February 25, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    those forst threee tips from the police? they could apply to several of our latest patients

  7. February 25, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    eeeek! I meant FIRST THREE

  8. 8 Auberon
    August 16, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    That’s not an actual picture of body parts in that fridge, is it? It’s just a fake display, right? If not you’re a sick fuck.

    • August 16, 2009 at 8:00 pm

      What a charming turn of phrase you have, Auberon (and such a refined name, too!).

      Strangely enough, they’re not real body parts – it’s some odd people who make art installations of pretend body parts in fridges. It takes all sorts.

      I notice that you visited the page I’ve written about cannabis. I should have posted a warning: too much cannabis smoking makes you gullible and rude. So don’t do it, kids!

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