I’ve been painting a room and have inhaled far too many fumes for my own good. Everything is swimming (apart from, ironically, two of my fish, which appear to have disappeared without a trace. Into the third, tiny, fish? If so, how did he manage it so fast? And Bruce, can I make the fish into death diamonds if I perform a swift operation on fish three?).
It will be to Becky‘s intense displeasure that I once again resort to the blog failsafe of search engine terms which have driven perverts, terminal procrastinators and idiots to my corner of cyberspace. These are the people that aren’t you. Unless you’ve arrived here because you’re looking for “granny vaginas”, in which case I’d like to make it clear that I welcome perverts with my famous open door policy (and that’s not a metaphor, if you’re reading and you’re a literary pervert).
So, while I try and wean myself off paint-sniffing (Dulux brilliant white – the hard stuff) and wonder about the logistics of dipping my head in white spirit to get the ‘skunk’ stripes to disappear, I leave you with some of today’s gems. All I can say is that there a lot of people who seem unable to make the simplest of decisions without first consulting Google – at least I think there are. I’ll just Google it.
is it that bad if you skive p.e?
doing it porn with vegetables
granny vaginas or not
pretty pink ice barbie whore
vomen in black panites (my favourite by a country mile)
hot woman strangles man with legs
posh family portrait one kid girl snooty
excuses to skive school half day
I used the excuse about being too good looking to spend the entire day at school last time. Can I dare to assume it will work a second time?
do women like small
one pot stew cheap
dirty lady nasty
There were some others, but they weren’t funny. I can’t dither any longer – the vomen in black panites is off to get the white out of her hair/clothes/eyes/soul.
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Woman in black 
Right, you’ve brought this on yourself!!
Just five minutes work on my referral keywords for the past month found:
i have really big hands (just wanted to share obviously)
a diary that in every line has got the word fuck in there in big font and addicted (have they tried ebay?)
are birds scared of that shit (you know, that shit that birds do, does it scare them?)
dangers of celery (well I can only think of a few)
celery is the devil (I must admit I hadn’t thought of THAT one)
becky is the worst person in the world??? (Three question marks!!! And, no I’m not!)
isihac what does samantha look like (I think she’s still wearing a veil after Humph’s death.)
But my fave by far:
agley porn (A very specific kind of Scottish porn featuring sex scenes that oft gang horribly wrong.)
Pshaw. That’s nothing, check out these irreverant search terms that brought people to my site:
funny family cartoons
unemployed dad
unemployed humor
unemployed cartoons
unemployed funny
michael phelps satirical cartoon
funny satire
unemployed guy
unemployment funny
Well, you get the picture. What a bunch of weirdo’s, where do they come up with this stuff?
I don’t know many women who like small one pot stew cheap.
The “voman in black panites” reminds me of the character Peter Sellars played in What’s New Pussycat?. The others are just yapping dogs. The traffic these googlers generate is like goat turds in a packet of M&Ms.
I didn’t realise Google Analytics could show more than the top ten search keywords. I’ve since found these:
* (point–hide away…) handy
* concentration camp the 8 hideaways
* pictures of siouxsie in glitter dress
* showingstockingtops.com
* www,burlesque saloon girl fancy dress outfits
* i can sleep 12 hours a day what wrong
And isn’t a Black Panite a type of pokemon? 😉
I can never remember, are panites the ones that hang down from the ceiling or the ones that grow up from the floor?
“Granny Vaginas” needs to accept they really do actually quite like granny vaginas rather than feigning indifference, “or not” like whatever, if you don’t have any I’m not even bothered, just if there were some I wouldn’t mind a look, but if there’re aren’t any that’s totally cool too.
It’s always interesting to see exactly what is driving perverts, terminal procrastinators and idiots to your corner of cyberspace….they tend to avoid mine (or just arrive without the aid of google).
Like Michael, I seem to get more mundane search terms like “alphagetti” and “convenience store 101.” I think “hot dogs in buns” is the most outrageous search term I’ve seen and I may be reading more into that one than really exists.
I’v put up several posts on this very subject recently. Here’s a few recent ones:
daily jesus humor
gall bladder surgery
not gall bladder
intolerance jelly
landscape valley
dog skin problems
Who knew!!
Semolina Pilchard, climbing up the Eiffel Tower.
Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna.
Man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allan Poe.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus,
goo goo goo joob goo goo goo joob goo googoooooooooooojoob
victoria road kinglake
scary boogers
ahmnodt heare
jake gyllenhaal
sneezing
fucking
funny things to occupy me while i wait u
contentment mothers
he pushed the sounds into her urethra
pinny the wu
pinnythewu
mika and his girlfriend anna-bell f
I believe I remain the winner of the most boring search terms around (I look every time you post) – these are the most titillating ones I have:
“i’m not preaching. i’m not going to pre
failed writer
writing on gravestones
Doncha think? Even Ram’s “hot dogs in buns” is more evocative.