09
Mar
09

Stick one to The Man for me, save my job AND see what I look like

Dark days here at WIB Towers.

During the day, when I leave my fetid lair for my place of employment, I am a senior feature writer and columnist for the best-selling regional newspaper group in Britain. Not wishing to blow my own trumpet (and then going on to do so entirely) I am currently Columnist of the Year. I am awfully good if I say so myself, which I do. I make my mother proud.

Sadly, due to people like us who use the internet, my industry is dying. People don’t buy newspapers like they used to because they can get the information they need online and, in the case of the ‘youth’  they’d rather poke out their eyeballs with a rusty stick than sit down and read something they’re not forced to as part of school coursework.

On Friday, my company announced it would be slashing a third of editorial jobs. Mine is at risk. I have become awfully attached to the roof over my head (not literally) and would therefore like to keep my job and, in turn, my family from living in a skip feasting on careless rats that pass within arm’s length. And this is where you come in.

I need to increase the hits to my (award-winningly brilliant) column. And fast. So I am asking you to do your bit to beat the credit crunch, The Man, injustice, world poverty (or mine at least), famine and bad things in general by clicking the link I will give you below to take you to my weekly page.

This is what my children will be eating if you dont help. No pressure.

This is what my children will be eating if you don't help. No pressure.

The real bonus for loyal readers (although after you’ve seen the picture, you may disagree/need trauma counselling/lose your breakfast) is that you will finally get to see what I look like. Kind of. You’ll see.

There’s a six-week consultation period before redundancies are finalised so I could really do with kicking some big hit butts. After that time, I will no longer coerce you to hit and run, especially if I keep my job. If I keep my job, drinks are on me – literally, if you’re that way inclined.

I primarily started this blog because I wanted to use naughty words like ‘arse’ and ‘tits’ which I am banned from using in a family newspaper.  Oh, and ‘fuck’. Let’s not forget our old friend ‘fuck’. It’s not a particularly worthy premise for starting out, but small things make me happy, as many of my former boyfriends hoped would be the case.

In the meantime, I am reviewing my options and deciding what else I’m qualified to do. Thus far the list is as follows:

1) Low class prostitute. Minimal charges apply for bareback.

2) Professional mourner.

3) Village idiot.

4) Road sweeper.

5) Teacher (worst case scenario).

In advance, I thank you for your help. In Karmic terms, you’re very likely to reap vast personal rewards if you keep me afloat – that’s a promise. Any ideas as to how I can reach out to an even wider audience will be gratefully received, especially if you do all the work and allow me to sit back in my ermine throne and watch from a distance.

I remain yours, apart from when I’m writing for them,

WIB

Get ready to get clicking (please): The Woman in Black. At work.

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19 Responses to “Stick one to The Man for me, save my job AND see what I look like”


  1. March 9, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    You can count on me to click away! One request, however. Could you do something about the giant eyeball staring at me while I read? Very disconcerting. Replace it with a boob or lunchbag. Something I enjoy.

    By the way, do you have a recipe for whatever your kid is eating? Looks mighty tasty.

  2. March 9, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    Make friends with the Archant web-spods. Get them to sneak words like “cock-sucking”, “sluts” and “dogging” into your page’s meta tags.

  3. March 9, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    Luckily I had a half-written blog entry waiting in the wings! Hopefully it will send a bit of traffic your way.

  4. 4 Ram Venkatararam
    March 9, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    I thought the “looking for a new job” ad banner that appeared right above your eyeball was in rather poor taste all things considered. I’ll click away happily…and will be happy to post your link as “website of the week” at the foodhere starting friday. Should be good another 2 to 3 hits. I’m very popular in Bulgaria.

  5. March 9, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Your column is just as funny as your blog. That is one sexy eye ball!

  6. March 9, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    Love your sense of humour – will put something up on our site to try and generate some hits for you.

    Just an idea, but most (if not all) email progs allow one to create a ‘signature’ to appear at the foot of every email sent. ‘Signature’ is a bit of a misnomer, since it can be any block of text you like. Nothing to stop you creating a signature – that includes a link to your column – that appears on every email you send out. If all your friends did the same then your fame/infamy would soon get around and if only a small percentage of folk click on those email signature links out of curiosity, it may still represent a large number of additional hits.

  7. March 9, 2009 at 10:11 pm

    Duly clicked , WIB.

    Of course, I didn’t actually read it; I was far too busy nipping out to buy a copy of the Norwich Evening News.

    Which proved to be a bit of a bugger actually, as I live near Oldham.

  8. March 9, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    So you’re from Norwich! Do you know Nicholas Parsons? Fuck, is he even alive? Obviously you need to write about sex to get a wider audience. There’s a woman called Tania Derveaux who’s offering to have sex with male virgins. I wrote about her at the link below:

    http://japingape.blogspot.com/2008/05/net-neutrality-nymph.html

  9. March 9, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    I found you on Alpha Inventions. Maybe many others will, too. Then, there will be a Click Fest and your job will be safe and angels will sing. That could happen.

    I clicked and read, and I hope things will work out:)

  10. March 9, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    You’re all marvels and I thank you very much. My job at the NEN (land, indeed, of Nicholas Parsons) isn’t the only finger I have in a pie, or iron in a fire, or sandwich in a picnic, or whatever, but it is the one I spend most time on and which is the main money-maker.
    I think you have all been very restrained about the picture. It was a ‘concept’ shot thought up by my former editor who insisted it would be ‘mysterious’. Being as naturally photogenic as a warthog recently emerged from a pit of dung, I readily agreed.
    I think it makes me look as if I’m being held up by a crazed gunman. There is real fear in those eyes. That eye (I do have two. The other one is bionic).
    Much love to you all, WIB x

  11. March 10, 2009 at 12:49 am

    You are, in deed, good at what you do. Your mum is rightly proud and you have beautiful eye. I dropped WIB on my blogroll…for whatever that is worth. You go girl.

  12. March 10, 2009 at 4:15 am

    aw, so sorry to hear about this woman. … I know how you feel, I worked at a financial institution and my job was cut was well. I was fond of my roof as well. .. The rats aren’t that bad..

    hey, a fellow writer?!? I did not know you were quite so talented. I feel connected to you. So close. It’s almost as if… wait, no, you’re still millions of miles across the ocean.

  13. March 10, 2009 at 8:44 am

    I clicked, I read, I came. no.. wait.. I didn’t come but with just a little more foreplay I might….

  14. March 10, 2009 at 10:45 am

    Deal. Great column. Really hope this works – will be clicking often. Interesting too – as someone who was recently bought to tears in Natwest, over a matter of bank charges, I am a bit furious about their treatment of this Tim chap. Although I am both pregnant and right hormonal so anything I say should be regarded as gross exaggeration.

  15. 15 brucehood
    March 10, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    I’m doing my bit for the WIB… sound’s like I’m digging for Britain!

  16. 16 brucehood
    March 10, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Can I make a really good suggestion…
    Write an “AlphaInventions Can Save Your Life”
    and post the NEN link when they click.

    It may get you booted off AI but it can gennerate 1000’s of hits

  17. March 10, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    I clicked. I will also buy said Newspaper more often!

  18. March 12, 2009 at 2:46 am

    Alright, I’ve done my part, clicked on every possible link to your name on the site. Will that suffice? Let me know if more direct action is called for (sorry I didn’t have time to read every piece. I did however notice that you are allowed to use the word ASS on your work site, which is definitely a perk – it’s not FUCK, but then what is?). You’re a hottie, btw, I’m pleased to say my hunch was correct when I proposed…;)

  19. April 2, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    Hey, I’M the Village Idiot where I come from. Maybe if I’m ever assassinated by a low-class prostitute, you can be my professioanl mourner. It doesn’t pay much, but you get free Kleenex.

    I hope things work out for you, WIB.


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