16
Mar
09

Do anti-ageing creams work? Ask Josef Fritzl

It’s important not to let yourself go, even if you’re locked in a prison cell awaiting trial for abducting your daughter and forcing her to live in a sex dungeon with your secret family.

It came as news to me, but apparently prisons aren’t like long-stay spas, they’re rather grim, bleak places without any Chanel concessions, hot stone therapists, life coaches or nail bars. I know: just imagine.

Josef Fritzl, Austria’s other monster with a penchant for hidden underground bunkers asked for a ready supply of anti-ageing creams to be delivered to him in his cell. Because he’s worth it.

 

BEFORE: Ridges deeper than the undersea Cayman Trough

BEFORE: Ridges deeper than the undersea Cayman Trough

Being a maniac is terribly unflattering to the complexion – the worry lines alone can add at least another 10 years to your face, and the dust created by excavating under your house to construct your own underground incest cave is awfully drying.

Seventy-three-year-old Fritzl was keen to look as youthful as possible for his trial,  which began today, although frankly the only anti-ageing treatment likely to stop his wrinkles in their tracks is going to be death, or at the very least course sandpaper and an industrial plane.

AFTER: The fine lines, wrinkles and age spots have completely disappeared. Its a miracle!

AFTER: The fine lines, wrinkles and age spots have completely disappeared. It's a miracle!

Having studied the ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures of Fritzl, I have to say that I am deeply impressed by his miraculous transformation. He genuinely looks decades younger – indeed he could be a college student with alopecia. I am chalking this up as a victory for anti-ageing creams (not that I need them – I have the youthful appearance of a 20-year-old supermodel despite being in my late 80s. Thank you, Satan).

* Please continue to support the Woman in Black at work. Your hits last week were gratefully appreciated, but one swallow does not a summer make (although my first boyfriend might disagree). Come and visit my giant eye over at the Woman in Black’s daytime lair .

 

 

 

 

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19 Responses to “Do anti-ageing creams work? Ask Josef Fritzl”


  1. March 16, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    He hopes the judge will be more lenient if he can show that his daughter was imprisoned and raped by a handsome devil. It’s going to be an uphill battle.

  2. March 16, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    Are you sure he didn’t ask for Vaseline? It may have got lost in the translation.

  3. March 16, 2009 at 8:27 pm

    I’m reliably informed that expensive face lotions are mainly made up of stuff that does little more than make your skin feel taut. Often egg protein, but in this case I think they’ve used some other form of binder.

  4. March 16, 2009 at 8:42 pm

    Just read your column over at evening news 24. Very good.

    I tried facial cream once–although it did improve the taste of the coffee it did NOTHING for my wrinkles.

  5. March 16, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    Jail must still have a salon…Someone plucked his eyebrows.

  6. March 16, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    I reckon he has steel hair, and is stood under a magnet.

  7. 8 Ram Venkatararam
    March 17, 2009 at 1:05 am

    Thanks for the post WIB. Still clicking…

    If he’s so keen, perhaps the cosmetics companies could do their testing on him.

  8. March 17, 2009 at 5:32 am

    You wouldn’t imagine a person could get that much sun damage in a dungeon. Who knew? I am still clicking on your right eye.

  9. March 17, 2009 at 8:24 am

    I thought a sperm facial was anti-ageing? surely there’s lots of that in prison?

    love your column

  10. March 17, 2009 at 9:40 am

    There’s just something not quite right. Bit of a bluish tinge to his complexion. He should see if the prison authorities can get hold of some green tinted concealer. It’ll even that right out.

  11. 12 pinnythewu
    March 17, 2009 at 9:56 am

    His unusually smooth forhead contrasts badly with his freaky neck.

  12. March 17, 2009 at 4:32 pm

    I’d like to remove his wrinkles with a power sander. Maybe there is an anti-aging cream with battery acid he could try.

  13. March 18, 2009 at 12:00 am

    “Being a maniac is terribly unflattering to the complexion – the worry lines alone can add at least another 10 years to your face, and the dust created by excavating under your house to construct your own underground incest cave is awfully drying.”

    Would you mind writing his obituary? You describe him beautifully. He deserves your undivided attention when he dies.

  14. 15 brucehood
    March 18, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    HI WIB…. I’m back and missed your blog. Crappy Trinity College didn’t have a good internet access. So I found this amazing Norfolk hack that I have added to my blogroll


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