29
Apr
09

Woman who not many men want to bone can sing shocker

There are many mountains to climb this week for the Woman in Black, who has an interview on Friday and is spending every spare hour finding new and imaginative ways to say: ‘PLEASE GIVE ME THE JOB’ (is weeping and wringing my hands a good, or bad idea? It may be involuntary by the time I sit in front of the panel).

But I didn’t want to forsake my readers. And because I am a born leader, motivator, multi-tasker, ideas generator and all round fabulous employee human being, I am offering you part of this week’s column – slightly rewritten for those of you who have already read it and feel short-changed – until I can turn my attention to you fully. You’d give me a job, right? RIGHT?

It’s about Scotland’s darling (stay away from recently-returned honeymooners who’ve been to Mexico, Susan!) Susan Boyle, who recently caused a YouTube sensation by being able to sing at the same time as looking a bit like a partially shaved warthog. That was mean. All this ‘blue sky thinking’ is making me darker than ever. Susan looks like my first boyfriend’s mother. That my first boyfriend was a warthog is neither here nor there.

Back on patrol soon. Please invoke whatever idols you worship (unless it’s Ben Affleck) to help me in my quest to get a better-paid job.

BREAKING NEWS: Reality TV show contestant Susan Boyle single-handedly shatters accepted wisdom that only the slim, attractive and young can sing.

The Britain’s Got Talent auditionee sparked worldwide interest when she managed to sing a song DESPITE being on the homelier side of fairly average-looking.

Astonishingly, her physical appearance didn’t seem to affect her vocal chords whatsoever – I know, I couldn’t believe it either.

Before: The virgin Connie Swayle. Sorry, Susan Boyle.

Before: The virgin Connie Swayle. Sorry, Susan Boyle.

There’s no denying it, Susan Boyle can hold a tune  and she’s got the kind of back story that makes news providers, like me, salivate at the chops with unadulterated, undignified glee.

She’s a 47-year-old virginal charity worker who looked after her dear old Mum until she popped her clogs, lives alone with her cat and hasn’t picked up a pair of tweezers this side of the millennium.

Indeed Macbeth’s crones, sitting on the judging panel of BGT could barely disguise their incredulity that before them stood someone who wasn’t blindingly attractive yet still professed a desire to become a famous singer.

After all, it’s a proven fact that only good-looking people have any talent: just look at Kelly Brook.

‘So what’s the dream?’ asked Simon Cowell, his eyebrow racing towards his pubic weave in that trademarked ‘God you make me feel physically sick you pathetic nobody’ style he’s honed to perfection over the years.

Susan name-checked Elaine Paige, joked about her appearance, exhibited the natural ease of a vampire in full sunlight and then opened her mouth and let her voice do the talking.

Judge Amanda Holden was so moved by the fact that someone without a store card at Harrods could sing that she shed a tear and Piers Morgan claimed Susan was ‘the biggest surprise’ he’d ever seen on the show.

It’d have been surprising if Susan had suggested she’d like to be an in-house Chanel model before squeezing into a bikini and suddenly becoming jaw-droppingly gorgeous in front of our eyes. But why is it surprising that she can sing? Have these people never seen Neil Young?

**** Since writing this piece, Susan has undergone a dramatic makeover. By dramatic, I mean her mono-brow has been tamed with shears, her hair has been cut and she’s put on some lipstick. Whether or not this will have an effect on her voice is yet to be seen: perhaps the excess hair balanced her vocals. Lord knows what might happen to her voice if she loses her virginity. Before I lost mine, I had the voice of an angel. Now I sound like Darth Vader with swine flu. ****

After: Susans radical makeover, including hand amputation

After: Susan's radical makeover, including hand amputation

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14 Responses to “Woman who not many men want to bone can sing shocker”


  1. April 29, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    I am sad that they weed whacked her eyebrows. I had this new fantasy of making love to her eyebrows as they were gently wrapped around my thingy. Now…nothing.

    It seems with this “new look” that the pearl necklace she is currently wearing is the only one she will ever have. Pity.

  2. 2 Ana
    April 29, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    Good luck with the interview! I would definitely hire you!

  3. April 29, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    It’s my Uncle Bruce in a wig!!

    You’ve got a job with me ANYTIME, Woman! In fact, I’ve offered. 😉 The hell of it is there is NO pay but the overcompensating benefit is that you get to work with me. OH, the stories you could tell! 😀

    “popped her dogs?” Is that the English way of saying, as we do in the States, that she “put them down?”

  4. April 29, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    Is it technically possible for her to lose her virginity now? Her lady parts must have seized up like an engine that’s never been oiled. Still, her voice is wonderful. Maybe you’ll get yours back if you abstain for long enough, WIB. Your voice, I mean

  5. April 29, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    I am pissed at this woman. She has shattered the illusion that the pretty people have told me all my life about being successful. Now we have one of us making it and it just ruins it for us doublebaggers.

  6. 6 delicate flower
    April 29, 2009 at 11:12 pm

    wonderful… laughing out loud.. “Haired over” is a phrase I heard once in reference to a youngish virgin (late 20’s early 30’s).

  7. April 30, 2009 at 5:09 am

    Susan looks like my first girlfriend’s DAD. Best of luck with the interview WIB!!!

  8. April 30, 2009 at 9:31 am

    she looks good in leather…..

  9. 9 Dee
    April 30, 2009 at 10:43 am

    With the new hairdo, she looks like a puppy molested in a dog salon. Hope she hasn’t lost her voice from the trauma.

    All the best for the interview, you deserve the best.

  10. 10 pinnythewu
    April 30, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    Her shiny orange legs remind me of Linda from Gimme Gimme Gimme.

  11. May 1, 2009 at 2:29 am

    The question is, has she met with fame and fortune as a result of appearing on tv and singing in front of Simon Cowell…If she had, I would predict she’d have received a somewhat more professional makeover. I mean let’s face it, can anyone tell the diff between before and after? So much for the voice of an angel… you see how far that gets you w/o a pretty face!

    Did you get the job?? By the time you read this, it’ll be Friday! Bonne chance, kiss kiss hug hug.

  12. May 1, 2009 at 4:53 am

    ‘Rooting’ for you WIB

  13. 13 brucehood
    May 3, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    I have sacrificed a small rodent to appease the employment Gods to honor your application. Ok. it was a mouse trap but I was thinking of making an offering. Best of luck. Yes of course, we’d all hire you.

  14. May 13, 2009 at 12:14 am

    Man, I don’t know what would be scarier: hittin’ it from the front or hittin’ it from the back. I may have to let Tanner Leah take charge of this lil’ filly.

    However, if she becomes rich as well as famous, I believe I could take one (or several) for the team.


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