Women allowed to box at the Olympics? Next thing you know, they’ll allow us to vote

For years, women were denied the right to box in the Olympics on the grounds that pre-menstrual tension made us all ‘unstable’.

Now, the Olympic Committee has announced that women can compete in 2012 and have the same right as men to willingly open themselves up to brain injury, flat noses and black eyes: hooray for equality!

Personally, I’d have to be suffering from PMT 365 days of the year to even contemplate getting into a ring and punching the bejasus out of an opponent. And the opponent would have to be someone who I felt had wronged me: a snippy shop assistant, maybe, or someone who cut me up on a roundabout without raising a hand to say sorry.

I’d have thought that PMT would be an absolute bonus when you’re in a boxing ring, offering you the opportunity to channel all those ‘why is everyone getting at me? Why is life SO UNFAIR? Why is everything so totally and utterly SHIT?’ feelings into a series of mindlessly violent lobs and lunges.

In fact the only issues I can see being a problem are making sure your boxing matches are carefully timed to happen at the right moment during a 28-day window (my fights, bearing this in mind, would be on the first of every month. I could take down a rhino).

OK, I want a good, clean fight. No punching below the belt, no holding, no Kylie, you havent got time to have a kebab first

OK, I want a good, clean fight. No punching below the belt, no holding, no Kylie, you haven't got time to have a kebab first

Only 40 years ago, women were banned from taking part in marathons because the powers-that-be thought their wombs would fall out (no, really) because “of constant jarring”.

When it was proven that wombs didn’t fall out – although I’m fairly sure that if I ran a marathon mine would, along with my liver, lungs, heart and toenails – women were given the green light to compete, although it took until 1984 until they could participate in the marathon at the Olympics.

In 1896, Pierre de Coubertin, founder of the modern Olympics, described the concept of women participating in the games as: “impractical, uninteresting, ungainly and improper” (I wonder if he had access to a time machine and had watched me taking part in PE lessons at high school).

To this day, women are still barred from a whole range of Olympic sports – of seven track disciplines, women are only allowed to compete in three – so I suppose it’s a step forward that we’re now allowed to box. Even though boxing is really, really horrible and reminds me why I am a lover and not a fighter.

It’s because I’m a coward. And I paid good money for these teeth (please note, US readers – some Brits do have nice teeth. Sometimes they’re even our own).


13 Responses to “Women allowed to box at the Olympics? Next thing you know, they’ll allow us to vote”

  1. September 6, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Anybody who has thought that women never fight has never seen a cat fight. I think women fight like that as a mechanism to let men known that women shouldn’t be messed with.

  2. September 6, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    It would indeed be terrible if women lost teeth in a boxing match. You ladies really need to have your own Queensbury rules. Nothing worse than slapping and hair-pulling should be allowed.

  3. September 7, 2009 at 1:09 am

    Ten bucks says that women’s boxing is sold out within nano seconds of tickets going on sale.

  4. September 7, 2009 at 2:31 am

    I’m sure that everyone from Bobby Brown to Chris Brown to Jackson Browne is waiting for the ICS to finally level the playing field and let the mixed boxing matches begin. Perhaps Ike “I ain’t gonna hitcha” Turner will rep the US men’s team.

  5. September 7, 2009 at 3:08 am

    Good lord. If that’s what the female boxers want then hooray for them. Though I’m left to wonder if the next thing we’ll be watching is the Men’s Water Ballet competition.

  6. September 7, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    I am scared enough of women, without watching them boxing. Don’t go near a department store after Christmas clearence sale! Men are an obstacle to their mission on getting what they want. Just stay out of their way!
    The “hen pecking” olympic champeens are in the USA! Still remember my buddy’s dad on Friday after working in the factory. He slumps into a ratty easy chair with tv blasting still wearing a sweaty T shirt clutching a can of beer. His wife is yelling at him, and he tries to be deaf while working on his 6 pack. We just left the house to visit other guys down the block.
    I knew right then, us men are all doomed.

  7. September 8, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    I thought we were not allowed to talk about British teeth anymore?

    Have you seen the female shot put and weight lifting “gals”. They have bigger ding-dings than I do. (And I am occasionally black). Not saying I still wouldn’t do them or anything…

  8. September 9, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    Olympic Cat Fighting might draw a decent crowd

  9. 9 brucehood
    September 10, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    Hmmm female boxers.. those I have seen push the boundaries of genetic testing.

  10. September 16, 2009 at 7:45 am

    The Olympics are a farce of Olympian farcical nature. A noble tradition of naked men competing and no women allowed to watch ‘em…

    Hey look at me. I’m on a soap box and pontificating. And rather badly, I might add.

    Still, it’s a good view. I can see my house from here.

    I don’t get boxing and I never will. I own a kangaroo, he’s a natural boxer and I won’t let him in the ring. I don’t care if that makes me a fascist, I sleep well at night. With my kangaroo. I don’t care if that makes a pervert, I…

    Hmm, I’ve kind of backed myself into a Fascist Pervert corner here…

  11. 12 Scotty
    October 5, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    I ran track (not very fast) in high school. I never noticed girls not running in some events. I’m always amazed at how stupid we men are (I’m also blond)and what gets past us. Your pontificating turned on a small light in my thick head. Fine post but, I’m still not buying the bit about nice British teeth.

  12. 13 dorian
    October 12, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    men instinctively think the idea of women boxing would be sexy. real women boxers don’t look like the ones in the videos that you like to rent, fellows!!heheh

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