26
Jul
10

How I am single-handedly saving the planet with my (vast) collection of Bags for Life

According to Friends of the Earth, every household has around 80 plastic bags – including Bags For Life – in their possession.

By ‘in their possession’, I assume they mean ‘stuffed in a drawer’ or ‘rapidly filling the car boot’ rather than suggesting that people carry 80 plastic bags on their person at all times.

That would be ridiculous. I can only fit about 22 in my coat without looking like a terrorist.

Asking for a single-use plastic bag at a shop counter is now only marginally more socially acceptable than lighting up a fag in a pre-school and asking an asthmatic toddler to hold the packet while you open another can of lager.

This man has never, ever used a plastic bag. Or a bar of soap.

If you do forget to scale the Bag For Life mountain before you go shopping, you are duty bound to buy yet another BFL lest you are singled out as the kind of person that chokes birds on the seashore or fly-tips in beauty spots for larks.

Generally, the reason I forget to bring my shopping bags into shops is because I ‘only pop in for a loaf of bread’, only to be utterly hoodwinked by absolutely any offer being advertised in-store. One loaf of bread swiftly becomes a basket full of Buy One Get One Free offers that truly could feed the 5,000 and definitely couldn’t be carried to the car without a bag.

The new bag joins its plastic siblings until the mountain grows so high that even I can’t ignore it any longer. At that point, I take a bag full of bags to a charity shop so they can offer them to customers.

Yes: I use my own profligate bag buying to make me look good. I truly am the scum of the Earth.

The answer, of course, is to carry those jute bags, aka Bags That Smell For Life. I have about 50 of them, too, and the charity shop won’t take them on the grounds that since Mary Portas (ruthless reality TV show retail doyenne), they’ve moved away from selling unpleasant things that whiff and started charging £3.50 for Peter Andre’s autobiography even though you can get it on eBay for 99p.

But that’s another story, and one that makes me look miserly as opposed to selfish, so we’ll save it for another day.

NB: Britons believe that all Americans carry their shopping home in brown paper bags. Is this true? I’d like to see you try that trick with my weekly shopping.

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6 Responses to “How I am single-handedly saving the planet with my (vast) collection of Bags for Life”


  1. July 26, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    The African solution is to hire coolies to carry your supplies.

  2. 2 Vodka and Ground Beef
    July 26, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    I love your blog so much. Here’s my favorite line of the many favorite-worthy lines:

    “Asking for a single-use plastic bag at a shop counter is now only marginally more socially acceptable than lighting up a fag in a pre-school and asking an asthmatic toddler to hold the packet while you open another can of lager.”

    asthmatic toddlers always get me

  3. July 26, 2010 at 10:00 pm

    Americans use plastic bags. I use the plastic bags to pick up after my dog.

  4. July 28, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    I dont know about Americans, but we Aussies use heavy duty, single use, non biodegradable Styrofoam containers for our shopping….

  5. August 3, 2010 at 9:07 am

    You should try my solution, WIB.

    I hate trying to open plastic bags while the checker is processing my weekly shop faster than I can pack it away and there is a queue of folks looking on disdainfully at my feeble attempts to get the bloody bags open. (how come women find it so easy to get these friggin plastic bags open and men find it such a struggle?)

    My solution to this problem was to buy some of those thick heavy-duty plastic sacks from a garden centre that are intended to clear ‘rubble’.

    Now, as the teller rings up my goods, I just scoop them into these sacks. Job done. Easy

    And no flimsy plastic bag damaged or harmed during the process 😆

  6. August 23, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    Brown paper bags are for narcotics and booze. Mostly, we Americans stuff items into our various orifices so we can carry them long distances. So, when visiting us, please try to fit in by placing that 5lb boneless ham up your hoo-hoo. Trust me…everyone does it.


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