Revels are the Russian Roulette of the chocolate world, the lucky dip of confectionery.
I can’t think of another brand which would cheerfully accept that no one on earth likes all the flavours it offers (and if you do like them all, you’re wrong) and actually talks of ‘evicting’ the nation’s least favourite. And let me tell you, if anyone is voting for the orange one, or the toffee one, or that strange disc one, then there is going to be hell to pay.
The coffee one, on the other hand, has got to go.
Revel-eating in the cinema is like fire-walking. Those orange and coffee ones are exactly the same size, and you can’t take the usual preventative action of gnawing off a section of chocolate to check the contents, because it’s dark. This means that by the time you’ve taken a bite, you’ve committed to swallowing – I could, at this point, produce a very different kind of analogy, but it’s early, and I can’t do smut before noon.
Yesterday, I conducted a closely-controlled experiment with a disc-shaped Revel (the ones made solely of chocolate) having noticed the disproportionately long time they take to melt in the mouth. If they take several minutes to disintegrate in a warm mouth, how long will they take to fall to pieces in your hand? I found out, so you don’t have to.
While watching EastEnders and the highly realistic scenes on the frozen lake (close enough to Walford for Jack and Ronnie to drive there in around three minutes, far enough away to have an entirely different eco-system which appeared to debunk those ‘global warming’ theories entirely) with Sean and Roxy, I clamped a disc-shaped Revel between my thumb and forefinger and started timing how long it would take for it to melt.
Sixteen minutes. SIXTEEN MINUTES. And my hands, believe you me, aren’t cold – no Raynaud’s Syndrome here. Not only that, but the Revel didn’t so much as melt, it collapsed, leaving a strange skin which took a further three minutes to disappear.
What witchcraft is this? Clamp a Dairy Milk chunk between your fingers and I guarantee it will have turned to liquid within four minutes. Toblerone leaves a nutty slurry within two. Even Yorkies fall apart in seven minutes. I have done my research. I know that of which I speak.
I wonder if those discs are really chocolate at all. They could be uranium for all I know, and even if they are, they still taste a bloody sight better than coffee Revels.
***UPDATE*** apparently the coffee Revel HAS been evicted and replaced with a strawberry flavour. I’m rethinking my athiesm. Perhaps there really is a God.