Posts Tagged ‘knickers


What are the most disturbing search engine terms people use to find your blog?

I am sure I am not alone in marvelling at the many and varied ways people chance upon the posts you have committed to the world wide web.

I say ‘marvelling’, I mean ‘despairing’. There are lots of perverts and voyeurs out there, my friends, and most of them are dropping in to see me in the hope of some hot vibrator/breasts/knickers/dwarves/vegetable action. I am glad not to let these valued viewers down.

Apologies should, however,  be extended to all those who arrive in my corner of cyberspace hoping for recipes on the basis that I mentioned cooking, once, about six weeks ago. On this note, I must advise that under no circumstances should you try and use a carrot vibrator in your slow cooker recipes. They are surprisingly tough, even after marination.

For your delectation, these are a selection of the people you are sharing these pages with. Possibly right now. And you’re the only one with both hands on the keyboard.

1) Black women without knickers

2) Women with black knickers

3) Dwarves with big breasts

4) Flooded black knickers dwarves

5) Vegetable vibrator sexy

6) Vibrator that talks back 2 u

7) How to find g spot women orgasm

8) Madonna nip slip hot picture

9) Map of g spot

10) Carrot sex video

I do wish Mum would stop hassling about the carrot sex video. A promise is a promise, and she should know I always follow through (wait until the harvest, Mama! Then the carrots will come, oh yes, they will come).

Do you have any disturbing search engine terms to share? I have no prize, other than my eternal and life-prolonging love.


Five most repulsive Valentine’s Day gifts from The 99p Shop

Money can’t buy you love – never has this phrase been so apt than when browsing the Valentine’s Day section at The 99p Shop. There, not only can money not buy you love, it probably can’t even buy you anything more than a withering glare and your marching orders.

I am not a rampant materialist. If money is too tight to mention, be inventive. Cut your loved one’s morning toast into heart shapes. Run them a bath. Give them the Findus Crispy Pancake that hasn’t exploded in the oven. Carve their initials into your flesh with a plastic set square. Just don’t get them one of these:

1) The Friendship Vase. Perhaps you’ve only just snared the object of your affection and don’t want to frighten them off by delivering a bouquet of roses made from your own hair and teeth, maybe you want to give a gift that says: ‘I want to make it clear that I haven’t committed to you yet’ or maybe you just don’t give a damn. Whatever the reason, nothing shows a special friend just how much they mean to you like a 99p vase holding a lurid blue plastic flower, except perhaps a fist in the face.

The vase that says...back off

The vase that says...back off

2) Yellow, purple and pink nylon knickers. Who says you can’t get sexy lingerie for 99p? I do. If you get a woman into these knickers, refrain from all heavy petting if you are within 25ft of a naked flame, are wearing a shell suit or have had a pacemaker fitted.

Also known as 'the firelighters'

This is not my arm. I am the woman in black

3) Kiss Here Posing Pouch (pube-free crotch not included): will only work if you administer a shot of Rophypnol 20 minutes before you slip into them, and then it’s still only a 50:50 chance of success. Even the catatonic have standards.

Contents may vary

Contents may vary

4) Bonsai garden: the art of bonsai is one that requires hours of study and dedication, an eye for detail and a delicate, deft touch. Alternatively, you could forget all that shit and get yourself a plastic bonsai tree for less than a quid – and who’ll tell the difference, apart from absolutely everybody? Included in the price is a mystic figure, who blows ancient wisdom from his preposterously large anus.

Morph had been comfort eating again

Morph had been comfort eating again

5) Inflatable Boob Pillow: Perfect for the partner who continually puts you down about the size of your breasts, for any fans of BBC3’s Grown Ups/Clone/Coming of Age (who will consider this an ‘intellectual’ gag in comparison) or as a bridging gift when you can’t quite afford to give her the boob job you’ve coerced her into agreeing to.

We're leading separate lives

We're leading separate lives

The worst Valentine’s Day present I ever received was glandular fever. But that’s another story. What’s the least romantic gift you’ve ever been given? The best answer doesn’t get the bonsai garden in the post.

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