Posts Tagged ‘New Year


Offered: one kidney. Slightly wizened, a bit temperamental, vintage condition

I have been chewing my lip due to worry (and something to do that’s free and simple) and now resemble a heroin addict from those information films from the 1980s. I think this is a fitting way to see in 2009, by this time next year I may also be thin enough from the enforced gruel eating to actually star in one for real.

By rights, my worry lines should now be as deep as a freshly-ploughed field, but my stock of snake oil anti-ageing moisturisers remains fairly high, so I’m staving off the worst effects of eating badly, indulging in unhelpful vices and generally taking as much care of my appearance as a coma victim. By the time I run out of that lot, there’s always the polyfiller supplies in the shed to tide me over.

Having scanned the internet for money-making opportunities, I have decided that if all else fails, I shall sell a kidney. Having two is very 2008 and, after all, one should recycle as much as possible.

Only problem is that only one of my kidneys works properly, and I’m loathe to give up the good one. Perhaps I could offer the wizened one (which looks very much like something you’d find withering at the back of the fridge) at a knock-down rate. There’s a credit crunch on, you know, people are desperate.

(On this note, I am remembering that film where someone has a hand transplant and the new set of digits take on a life of their own and start murdering people and so forth. Would my kidney force its new owner to write for newspapers and magazines or expect he or she to get up at 3.45am every morning to go to the toilet, like it does me, do you think?)


new year’s eve sucks the big one

Oh how I hate New Year Eve. Partying by rote, enforced merriment, queues of up to six hours at any given bar – it’s like Christmas, but without magic, presents, a nice meal or good TV.

There are two ways to look at New Year. One is to think of it as a time full of promise, when you can realise your dreams and plan for the future. The other is to use it as a springboard for further misery when you realise just how little you have achieved in the past 12 months and that, on top of everything else, you’re celebrating entering the very worst month of the year, January. January, as everyone knows, is God’s revenge for Christmas, a month made up of endless Mondays. Everything is bleak – the weather, your finances, your mood – and the biggest event you’ve got to look forward to is Pancake Day. Frankly, when you’re counting down the days to a batter-based festival, things are pretty bad.

As newspapers roll out their reviews of 2008 and predictions for 2009, in the spirit of reflection, I offer you the highs and lows of the past year. Low-heavy, as usual:

Things I did not do in 2008:

1)    Write an internationally-acclaimed sitcom
2)    Write an internationally-acclaimed book
3)    Get to grips with the rubbish in the loft
4)    Get to grips with either the front or back garden
5)    Hoover my car on a weekly basis
6)    Write in my son’s school contact book every day
7)    Write in my daughter’s school contact book every day
8)    Get one of those police checks so I can occasionally swan into school on trip days like ‘proper mums’ do
9)    Come to any form of amicable agreement with my neighbours over a wall issue
10)    Lose my excess weight
11)    Kiss goodbye to my many, expensive, unhealthy and unhelpful vices
12)    Curb my charity shop and eBay habits
13)    Stop collecting plates from the 1950s – I would now need to have 278 people to dinner to justify their existence
14)    Managed to persuade my children to put their dirty washing in the linen basket
15)    Stop feeling bitter about my lot
16)    Find a toilet seat that actually fits the toilet

What I did do in 2008:

1)    Won a writing award
2)    At least started trying to solve the neighbour issue
3)    Almost wrote off my car
4)    Dropped my mobile phone in flood water
5)    Dropped another mobile phone in the playground and smashed the screen
6)    Wrote a script with a BBC3 comedian which I still haven’t sent off (or really finished)
7)    Went from Waitrose to Farmfoods in one easy step

Surely, SURELY, 2009 will be better. My horoscope in the Observer says that I’ll have to work hard to persuade people in authority to listen to my ideas over the next 12 months. It said nothing about having to offer sailors saucy cuddles for pennies to make ends meet, though, so there is some hope.

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