Posts Tagged ‘video

25
Jan
09

Why the woman in black wears bright red knickers

I used to wear black on the outside because it was how I felt on the inside, now I wear it in the vain hope that it will somehow disguise the fact that my backside is used by astronauts as a homing device when they return to Planet Earth.

When I say I’m the Woman in Black, I mean it. I am the only person I know to whom getting dressed in the dark holds no fear.

My only concession to colour is my underwear, which is brightly coloured. This was a tip from a women’s magazine I once read that advised you should always aim for an element of surprise with your outfit. My element of surprise is saved for the ambulance service in the eventuality they might need to cut off my clothes after a hideous accident or the lucky few (if Mum is reading) who have been allowed access to my inner chambers.

My pathological hatred of fashion or clothes shopping means that as soon as I find a garment I can bear, I instantly buy six identical garments and then rotate them until I find something new that I like. Due to this fact, I shunned trousers for 15 years because I was working my way through dozens of totally identical skirts.

Flagrantly ignoring the Bible’s warning – “woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man…for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God” – I bought myself a pair of trousers and experienced a sense of liberation I had not felt since I discovered the mute button on my phone at work. I instantly went back to the shop and bought five identical pairs.

God’s vengeance was of no concern to me. I have seen the gentle BBC comedy The Vicar of Dibley, I know that God allowed female clergy in Dibley to wear trousers without sending plagues of locusts or apocalyptic floods to punish their sins (more’s the pity).

For the first few days of trouser-wearing, I was irresistibly drawn towards sitting with my legs splayed like a leering uncle at a wedding and had to fight the urge to ostenatiously adjust myself whenever anyone was looking. And oh! the joy of being able to step out of my horseless carriage without showing even an inch of petticoat – I tell you ladies, I think these ‘trousers’ might catch on.

Having embraced a whole new world of sartorial possibility, it seemed time to readdress my hatred of fashion and give it a second chance. I was not far into my search for inspiration when I found this crock of shit from celebrated Danish designer Henrik Vibskov.

The police's new community support officers weren't entirely happy with their new uniform

I know I have been away for a long time, locked into a clothes hell of my own making, but is this really what the young people are wearing these days? Just look at those buffoons in the background; it’s like a New Order video for the colour blind. And then there’s this:

As Jared walked down the runway, he couldn't help wondering: how had it all gone so terribly wrong.

This is the kind of coat that the kids with fleas wore at my high school. At best, you could say the coathanger hat might come in handy if you needed to pop into the dry cleaners and didn’t have a spare hand to carry your freshly-laundered smoking jacket home, at worst, well, is absolutely everything else.

I need no further proof that black is the way forward. My calculations show that I need not shop for clothes again until 2012.

16
Jan
09

footage of the Hudson River crash – the fact that there isn’t any is probably a bigger story

Chesley B Sullenberger III – such a good name, his family chose it three times.

Mr Sullenberger heroically managed to land the Airbus he was captaining into the River Hudson saving the lives of 155 people, although he did fly into a flock of geese in the first place, so the sainthood’s on ice until we ascertain whether or not the geese were part of a suicide flock intent on ascending to heaven to claim their 72 virgins.

Incredible as those pictures of the passengers standing on the wings of the aircraft waiting to be rescued were, we all have to admit that it would have been far more incredible to actually watch footage of the plane descending into the river. I can’t remember the last major disaster which wasn’t captured by someone on their mobile phone – I’ve almost got to the point where I don’t believe something has actually happened until I watch it unfold on a poor quality piece of video narrated by someone shouting ‘oh my GOD!’ over and over again.

I thought 9/11 illustrated to us just how many people spend time aimlessly videoing the sky on the off-chance that something unbelievable might happen. Not yesterday afternoon, though, clearly. Not on a busy stretch of water a stone’s throw from the Statue of Liberty, one of the most photographed and videoed landmarks IN THE WORLD.

There’s nothing for it, Mr Sullenberger is just going to have to do it again. This time while we’re actually watching.




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