Is that a moon rock in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?

Frankly, I’m still smarting over all those lies we were told at primary school about how we’d all be living on the moon in the year 2000 and flitting about in hover cars with robot slaves to attend to our every whim.

It’s a harsh blow, therefore, to discover that not only were my teachers big fat liars, if their uneducated predictions had been correct and the human race was living on the moon, we’d all be big and fat too. Oh, and bald. Big, fat and bald – three cheers for the future.

Dr Lewis Dartnell, from the University College London, has single-handedly burst the space bubble, meaning that only the terminally masochistic would consider signing up to a long period away from the earth.

“With very little effort required to move around in microgravity, future spacemen and women are likely to become pretty chubby. Also with no need for hair to insulate the head or eyelashes to flick dust from their eyes, future humans may become totally hairless,” he said.

BEFORE: Mum? Im off to space for a decade. Remember to record Cash in the Attic

BEFORE: 'Mum? I'm off to space for a decade. Remember to record Cash in the Attic'

It’s one big step for mankind that I’m not sure many astronauts would be willing to take – or able to take, once they’d halved in size.

Jetting off into the stratosphere is pretty sexy: returning as a hairless, rotund dwarf is slightly less so, even if you do have a few moon rocks in your pocket and an absolutely enormous helmet to show for your intergalactic troubles.

AFTER: This is a wig, you know

AFTER: 'Ladies? I've been to space. Form an orderly queue'

If we had all decamped to the moon, Gillette and Immac would have gone into administration overnight, no one would be able to reach the top shelf in the kitchen and the human race would be slowly dying because no one would be able to summon up the enthusiasm to go on the (gravitational) pull. It’d be like living in Wales, albeit with a far better view.

And it gets worse. If our future truly does lie in the skies, we’re not only going to be smooth, shiny dwarves who break a hip if we brush up against a cobweb thanks to our muscle and bone wastage, we’re also going to have huge, swollen heads.

Dr Dartnell added: “Without gravity, fluid would float up to pool in the skull, which would cause the head to look permanently swollen and out of proportion.”

Bloody marvellous. Anything else? Will we grow horns? Or tentacles? Or start farting smoke?

I’m waiting until they invent a space where you come back home thinner, better looking and more intelligent. I still want the robot slave, though, that’s a given.

PS My Uncle works for Nasa (FACT!), which means I’m pretty likely to get a trip on a rocket any day soon. Will you still love me when I am a fat, bald, huge-headed dwarf? Oh hang on, I already am. Phew.


15 Responses to “Is that a moon rock in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?”

  1. June 26, 2009 at 8:05 pm

    Look on the bright side, WIB.

    In a low, or zero-gravity atmosphere, women would no longer need to worry about droopy tits – or men, wilting willies 😉

  2. June 26, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    In space, no one can hear you laugh out loud at someone’s pendulous tits…

  3. June 26, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    Dartnell is a liar, a charlatan and a mountebank! All his guff about space making you bald and fat was a coded insult aimed at William Shatner. The space chimps never lost any hair. Having babies in space will be fun, they’ll just pop out like pips from a lemon.

  4. June 26, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    We didn’t need Dartnell to tell us this. The science fiction script writers for the Twilight Zone and Outer Limits (the original ones!) knew this a long time ago. And it’s not going to happen due to outer space.

    As we use more of our brains and fingers to manage our daily activities (computers,etc) – the obesity epidemic is partly caused by this – our bodies lose relevance and value.

    Your sci-fi geek fan,


  5. 6 MM
    June 26, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    Ah here you are, WIB. With the NDM on her holidays we’re all going to be visiting (and staying because you’re so good and funny).

    I was going to use a William Shatner joke too but Gorilla beat me to it. Maybe a Uranus joke instead.

    I was brought up in an SF household so there was a large dose of dystopian nightmare to counterbalance the sunny optimism of jetpacks and food-pill moonbases. Our SF future has come true; it’s a JG Ballard shopping centre, suburban-sprawl and media-saturated consensual insanity society. Read High Rise (from 1975). It’s all there.

    Love the mobiles-at-gigs post too. We used to go to gigs every week when we were in London and we wondered why half the people were there.

  6. June 26, 2009 at 11:58 pm

    I’m setting out for University College London to have it out with this Dartnell charlatan. With my rudimentary grasp of all things scientific, I am programmed to believe what anyone with ‘Dr’ in front of their name tells me.

    For example, when Doctor Who told me he had something that felt bigger on the inside than it did on the outside, I assumed he meant the Tardis. Fail. Those timelords will say anything to get you in the sack.

    Nice to see you, MM, hope to see you orbiting around my parts in the not too distant future. Ooer.

  7. June 27, 2009 at 12:09 am

    Well, at least we wouldn’t have to worry about those bad hair days or have to our hubby’s “Does this dress make my ass look fat?” We’d already know the answer. 😯

  8. June 27, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Did this guy get his research from watching Wall-E. They already covered the fat in space.

    Maybe live on the bottom of the ocean and the pressure will make you thin.

  9. June 28, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    I don’t care if he does look like me…that kid is not mine. (But his mom is kind of hot).

  10. 11 Ram Venkatararam
    July 2, 2009 at 12:15 am

    Speaking for those who are attracted to “unique” women, I’d just like to say that this kind of techological advancement is long overdue. Long, long overdue.

    You want your robot slave? Well I want my fat, bald, huge-headed dwarf mate and I want her now!

    So nice to have you back WIB.

  11. 12 elizabeth3hersh
    July 2, 2009 at 2:38 am

    I just finished watching Exodus Earth (Space Week) on the Science Channel. The host, hunky British quantum physicist Basil Singer, delves into the eventual exploration and human colonization of planets and large satellites within our own solar system and exoplanets of nearby stars (Gliese 581c for example).

    He does not mention the role machine intelligence will ultimately play in space exploration and the evolution of humans. Which made me wonder, is consciousness and thought process relegated to the realm of the biological? Or, is machine intelligence an emergent property of intelligent beings?

    (Please give me some credit for thinking while desperately longing to bed Dr. Singer).

  12. July 3, 2009 at 9:48 am

    wowsers! Id love to go into space, but im afraid it would detract from my career in acting. I COULD BE THE WORLDS FIRST SPACE ACTOR! LOSTL!

    Im not sure it would work in my favor in doing Shakespeare in space.


  13. 14 brucehood
    July 3, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    I loved the column piece you did on this but I was wondering if the WIB is becoming Stacia Briggs or the other way round…I am surprised (but delighted) that you got some of the period pieces past the editor.

  14. 15 Billy Bob
    March 12, 2010 at 4:27 pm


    I lost track of RAM. Could you, would you, redirect me?

    Thank you,


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Add to Technorati Favorites
    follow me on Twitter

    %d bloggers like this: