19
Mar
09

Thanks to Class A drug dealers I’ve got blocked sinuses. It’s not what you think.

Come on, then, own up – which one of you has been buying up every packet of my favourite decongestant in order to keep your crack business afloat?

I’ve spent years experimenting with all manner of decongestants in a bid to clear my blocked sinuses, and after much research, have found the particular brand that does the job in a matter of minutes.

This brand, which I won’t name in case those of you with spare supplies in the medicine cabinet suddenly get the urge to set up your own crack-making factory, is the only sinus medication I’ve ever found which actually does what it says on the packet. Sadly, what it doesn’t say on the packet is that with very little chemical know-how, you can turn an innocent sinus remedy into crack: I always wondered why it was so moreish.

I’ve had problems with my sinuses for as long as I can remember. On a bad day, I sound like Donald Duck using a microphone underwater and feel as if I’ve had a man round to fit cavity wall insulation in my face.

 

Blocked sinuses even make my skeleton miserable

Blocked sinuses even make my skeleton miserable

My sinuses are like pinecones, or seaweed, or those strange little German model houses where a woman pops out if it’s going to rain (probably because she’s the only one likely to get the washing in). The boy in The Sixth Sense could see dead people, I can smell imminent changes in the weather: I think he got the better deal.

As fresh, shiny, different weather approaches, my sinuses begin to tingle. In the calm immediately before the storm/snow flurry/heatwave my sinuses slowly begin to fill with whatever it is that sinuses fill with (snot? Blood? Holy water? Gin?) until they reach capacity.

Once they’re full, nothing short of my magic medication, or possibly blowing off half my face with TNT, will shift the blockage.

It’s not even as if I can take comfort in the fact that I can always predict the weather – although I know that it’s about to change, I’ve no idea whatsoever as to what that change will involve. Before last year’s (fey and unremarkable) earthquake, my sinuses went mental. I could have made a fortune at the bookies: as soothsayers go, I’m marginally more effective than Michael Fish on the eve of a hurricane*.

Up until recently, Britain’s ever-changing weather was of no more concern to me than it is to anyone who habitually forgets to carry an umbrella, because I was able to hotfoot it to the bathroom, or to a chemist’s to pick up the particular brand of decongestant which I shall call, in fear of legal action, Sinu-blast.

Two tablets of Sinu-blast and I was back to normal, or what passes for normal with me.

But thanks to a bleak winter packed with more atmospheric changes than in Salem’s Lot, my  usually impressive stock of Sinu-blast is perilously depleted. I headed to the chemist to restock, only to be told that there was a national shortage of my favourite brand due to – said in whispered tones – ‘druggies’.

After further questioning, I discovered that Sinu-blast contains a particular ingredient, which again I won’t mention on the off-chance that you discover it in something else and then sue me when you fail to manufacture passable crack, that dealers are using to make a class A drug.

Well thanks a lot, class A drug dealers. Thanks a fucking bunch. Because of you and your money-making budget crack (a £20,000 return on a £1,000 Sinu-blast investment – you have to admit the figures add up) I’m now marooned in a world of pain, waiting desperately for some honest-to-goodness boringly predictable weather.

I’m struck by the irony of dealers cooking up a decongestant drug to sell to people whose sinuses probably melted years ago while those of us with sinuses like airbags after a head-on collision suffer in silence. I even considered asking the doctor to refer me for an operation, but then I saw this:

 

On balance, Id rather be in agony, thanks

On balance, I'd rather be in agony, thanks

And I changed my mind.

It’s bad enough to discover that it’s bits of brain that are blocking my sinuses: I’m struggling hard to keep hold of the grey matter I’ve got, the last thing I need is to have my brain removed through my nostrils, Egyptian mummy-style.

 * Legendary BBC weather forecaster who confidently told the nation in October 1987 that rumours of a hurricane were false. A few hours later, a hurricane had ripped through the UK killing 19 and causing record damage. Shit happens though, yeah?

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9 Responses to “Thanks to Class A drug dealers I’ve got blocked sinuses. It’s not what you think.”


  1. March 19, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    Have you tried sniffing glue? It take something snotty to cure something snotty.

  2. March 19, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    Even though it is an OTC drug, the druggies is why the pharmacists here keep “Sinu-Blast” behind the counter.

  3. March 20, 2009 at 8:50 am

    where did you get that image? it looks like one of those “operations” where a filipino faith healer extracts pigs testicles from credulous sick people……

    I’d send you some pseudoephedrine for your sinuses but I hear UK postal workers are all crackheads anyway so it probably wouldn’t get any further than Dover

  4. March 20, 2009 at 11:30 am

    I have the exact same problem. So, I did like Michael Jackson and had my nose removed. I happen to think it looks kind of sexy. Plus, my out of control gas issues don’t seem as important anymore. (Although it would appear that others in my vicinity would disagree).

  5. 5 pinnythewu
    March 21, 2009 at 3:36 am

    Ew, freaky.

  6. March 21, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    My deepest sympathies, dear. I can only recommend the natural remedy that seems to be gaining popularity here in the US…the neti pot:

    Only slightly less disturbing than brain extraction through the nasal cavity.

    Get better soon!

  7. March 22, 2009 at 12:25 am

    “my sinuses went mental.” What a lovely metaphor!

    What was happening to the guy in the photo wasn’t so frightening, not after researching what they were going to do (and did) to my chest cavity. What WAS horrifying though was his hair color!

    Once again, W.I.B. another winner. Keep them rolling . . .

  8. 9 Spudulika
    April 16, 2009 at 11:04 pm

    Give up dairy products. Milk and milk products cause your body to make mucus, in your head, your digestive tract, wherever mucus lurks basically – look this up if you don’t believe me. I speak from experience. Your nasal cavity will thank you for it (and so might your arse).


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